


Caged Bird's Diary

by Molly__Tortoiseshell__1980



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2019-08-14 18:15:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 33,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16497719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molly__Tortoiseshell__1980/pseuds/Molly__Tortoiseshell__1980
Summary: "Perhaps one day someone may find this diary and it will explain to people what happened to me. Maybe it will explain to those who know me, why I vanished for such a long time, why I act as though I do not know them anymore, and why I seem to have turned political. Maybe this diary will reveal some truth about the leaders of the First Order and their deviance. This diary may be all that is left of me then. " -This is the personal account of a female original character who finds herself kidnapped by General Hux and subjected to his creepy and violet advances.This is set in a somewhat parallel universe where The First Order is controlling the galaxy and Starkiller Base still exists.Finally a little disclaimer: I do not own any of Star Wars or its characters and I make no money from this story.





	1. Flirting on a Weapon

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, After about 10 years of not writing fan fiction a certain character in the new Star Wars movies inspired my dirty, obsessive brain. So here goes the first chapter of my new General Hux -centred fan fic. Its my first Star Wars fan fiction ever. and I hope some of you like it. There is not much in this little first chapter yet, but I hope it makes some of you curious for more. :)

Chapter 1 - Flirting on a Weapon

 

I guess there are many reasons why people start writing diaries. But my reason is not like anyone else's.

I am writing this, hoping that perhaps one day someone may find this diary and it will explain to people what happened to me. Maybe it will explain to those who know me, why I vanished for such a long time, why I act as though I do not know them anymore, and why I seem to have turned political. Maybe this diary will reveal some truth about the leaders of the First Order and their deviance. This diary may be all that is left of me then.

When I think back to a time before I was stripped of my freedom, dignity and virginity, it feels like that was not me but a different person. I can hardly remember what it felt like to be her. And yet it is not that long ago. I am from a planet called Phython. We only have a small population. We are genetically very skilled at working with our bodies. Many of us go into physical professions. So being from Python it was not unusual for me to pursue a career as an aerial performer. Being a performer meant a lifestyle of travel. My skills were not all that special on Python, but elsewhere in the galaxy people were keen to see me perform. I even got booked for some high profile events. I wasn't famous or anything, but I got around and started making a comfortable living. Beyond that, I loved my work and I loved the attention.

My agent secured me a gig on Starkiller Base. We had an argument about this. I had told him I did not want to do any political gigs. I was apolitical and I did not get involved with politics. I always felt that if you start taking sides you are in danger, no matter what side you choose. I did not like the First Order and the Rebellion frightened me too. I just wanted to perform and stay out of such things. I don't know why I agreed to perform on Starkiller Base. I guess my agent convinced me that it would give me greater exposure and that it would lead to more offers. In any case, I agreed and soon found myself on the terrifying weapon planet. I remember entering the stage for my performance and any reservation I had had evaporated as I was completely taken in by the grandeur of what they had prepared for me. I had never had such a huge stage, with such wonderful lighting and magic. I could not help it. I was quickly getting drunk on the attention I was given by all these powerful people in the room. It felt dangerous in all the fun ways. I am by no means a rebel. But wouldn't you relish in being desired like that? In the galaxy it is easy for me to be admired for my looks to be fair. There are only few of us, so you could consider us rare. We have a silver shine to our skin and large green eyes. We are athletic and we know how to move. Men and women tend to admire our looks alike. Having all these eyes on me, I admit, made me feel a little powerful and wanted. I admit it, I could be a bit of a flirt when I felt save. I used to feel save on stage and could not resist making a little eye contact here and there, making the audience feel like I had noticed them, yet they could not have me. I guess I was what people call a tease.

I started my act, high up in the air. It was going well. Five minutes into it or so I noticed that someone was entering and moving towards some front row seats that had been left empty. It was the young General who was in command of Starkiller Base, followed by two other men. He sat down and looked up at me slowly, like he was in no hurry to see my show. He carried a great expression of indifference, maybe even annoyance at having to be there. I admit I took it naturally as a challenge. I wanted him to admire me, the way I was used to audiences admiring me. As my performance went on, I noticed his expression changing. While at the start he looked annoyed and bored, this changed quickly. I was pleased to see his eyes starting to follow my every move. I had got his attention. I remember thinking that these eyes were magic. I was fascinated. His eyes were cold and deep and a mystery. I couldn't help myself. I felt save so high in the air. I fixed my eyes on him. I say it again, I was a flirt. Some people who saw me on stage assumed I was very sexually experienced and had affairs with many admirers or prominent people. The truth was that when I was in the air I felt in my element. I felt confident and save. It was a great place to flirt. When I was on the ground and not performing I was actually very shy. I had had the odd date but I never had a boyfriend, never mind any affairs. I just liked male attention from my save, confident place on my trapeze or in my hoop in the air. I guess I was a fool to think I was save on a trapeze on the Starkiller Base. Maybe I deserved what happened to me. I was a stupid little girl playing with fire. I was a silly bird trying to play with an alligator. But at the time, the temptation was too great. I caught his eyes fixed on me and I dared to stare right back into his eyes. I was aware he was looking at my body and it was a thrill. This powerful, mysterious young leader was admiring me and my art. I felt so desirable and foolishly, I felt I was in charge. This was my show. I failed to note, that this was his weapon I was performing on. I finished my act with my eyes fixed on this young leader and left the stage, believing this was the end of that fun little tease. Instead it was the beginning of what would become my life.


	2. Courting Starkiller Base Style

I was in my green room, that I had been given, removing my make up and pleased with how the show had gone, when there was a beep on the door.

I turned, wondering if this was Breeve, my agent. I got up, walked to the door and pressed the opening button. I was surprised to see the young General in front of me. I stepped back, not feeling prepared for this close proximity. He seemed a lot more intimidating now, than from the height of my aerial hoop.

“May I come in?”, he asked very formally. Never had a man asked to enter my green room after a show. The thought crossed my mind, that perhaps I had made him actually interested in me with my flirting. But then I did not dare to be that full of myself. I gestured him inside, somehow unable to imagine how he would react if I refused him entrance.

“It's your place I guess”, I smiled, probably quite awkwardly. I doubt I was hiding my discomfort and shyness very well. It crossed my mind to ask him what he wanted, but somehow I was scared to know the answer. I didn't know what to do now, so as he entered I moved back to my mirror and chair and tried act busy, focusing back on me. I thought it was probably best to act like there was no big deal.

The General stood in the room a moment and looked around. Then his eyes settled back on me again. I could quite literally feel his cold eyes fixed on my neck and shoulders. I tried to ignore it.

“I very much liked your show”, he said and slowly walked up behind me. I looked up and could see him in the mirror, standing behind me.

“Thank you.”

He stood right behind me and his eyes settled downwards on the skin of my neck and upper back. Suddenly I felt his black leather gloved finger tips very lightly grace the back of my neck, except in the first moment I did not know what it was. His touch was as light as a feather, but I twitched and gasped, not having expected to be touched at all. I froze and gazed at him in the mirror. I felt completely bewildered and for a moment started wondering if he had touched me by accident. But he slowly looked up to catch my eye in the mirror and just said:

“You are very beautiful.”

My heart began pounding in my chest, I feared he could hear it. I didn't know what to say or what to do. Maybe I really had led him on, the way I had looked at him during my performance? Who knew what he might be expecting from me after the way I looked at him all confidently and challenging? Then I felt silly. Someone had just given me a nice compliment, and maybe accidentally touched me. I was surely overly sensitive. Part of me thought I was silly for feeling so threatened. No wonder I never got any romance if I was so easily spooked, I thought. Another part of me was shouting in my head, that this man should not even be in the room alone with me. He was a cruel leader, someone who sentenced people, -whole planets to death. And this was where I got changed after a show. This was not where members of the audience should be. And where was my agent? He would sort this out for me.

Then all the voices in my head shrieked as I felt his gloved fingers tracing down the back of my neck and back a little more definitely this time. I finally got the message. He really was making advances at me, or even trying to seduce me. His second touch definitely had a seductive intent. This was clear enough now. I jumped up and moved away from him towards the door.

“Uhm”, I breathed, feeling my heart hammering in my throat, “uhm, thank you....but... uhm... you need to go now....I..uhm...” I stood a little lost in the room willing him to move back towards the door, but he just stood next to my mirror, where I had left him and looked back at me. There was a strange flicker of some kind of struggle in his pale face. He blinked and looked down a moment before his cold eyes focused on me again. Blushing with nerves and embarrassment I could not look at him.

He started walking towards me. I hoped he was aiming for the door, The next moment out of nowhere I felt him grab my throat. His hand felt like a hard metal vice coated in cold leather, tightening around my neck and pulling me around into the centre of the room. I gasped and then struggled for air. I started feeling my blood pulse in my head. He pushed me to my knees. I grabbed his arm with both my hands and tried to pull his hand off me, but it did not seem to bother him at all. I started getting dizzy, I don't remember being even able to see his face. I remember the blurry shape of his face looking down at me. I was really panicking now. I thought he might just kill me. Then he eased off just enough for me to drag a thin breath past his grip. I pulled as much air in as hard as I could, making a strained,creepy sound. I tried to beg him to let go but I couldn't get any words past his grip. I only felt my lips move desperately.

His grip loosened rather suddenly and he let go. I gasped for breath, falling backwards onto my heals and catching myself on the side of a sofa. I stared up at him, terrified. Where did this come from? What had I done to provoke this? Who does something like this?

“Stay”, I suddenly heard him say, “Stay here on Starkiller Base. I will make arrangements for your quarters.”

I could not comprehend what he was saying. Was this an invitation or a decision? The sound of his voice did not make this clear. I held my own neck, still catching my breath, sitting on the ground. The General looked down at me, completely unmoved, then exited the room in no hurry.


	3. Intercepted

I think I must have just sat there on the floor for a fair few minutes. I have no sense of time from that memory. But I remember finding myself suddenly shaking violently. I probably had been sitting there shivering and shaking a good long while, just focused on being able to breath again. Then I gradually became aware again of where I was and what had just happened. It didn't make any sense. I looked to the door. Where was Breeve? He usually was there to work things out that didn't make any sense. I could not comprehend what had just happened, but one thing I did know, I wanted to go home. I got up with very shaky legs and grabbed my jacket from the chair. The rest I didn't care about. I wanted to leave this place now. By the intercom next to the door I typed in Breeve's contact code shakily. But for some reason I could not be connected. Angrily I hit the console and left the room. I hasted down the corridors to the port. I tried not to look as panicky as I was. Someone had just chocked me for no reason. And even though the attacker had acted like it was nothing, I was almost sure this was not a normal thing to happen to people. I was still trying to understand why it had happened, but it was more important to me to get away. This place, this weapon and all these people in armours and uniforms, it was not my world at all. I had been foolish to come here to perform, I was foolish to feel save in their air and to flirt with the General. 

I arrived at the port. I could see my shuttle sitting beside some others. I approached an attendant. 

“Hi, I'm sorry, I'm the aerial performer, who gave a show here today. Could you contact my agent, Breeve Lial? We are due to depart and I was unable to get in touch with him over the intercom in my green room. We are really rather in a hurry.”

The attendant listened and said: “I'll see what I can do. Give me one minute.” He turned and walked away.

I stayed behind, very on edge, looking around for any sign on Breeve or anyone else that could possibly help me. I eyed up my shuttle. I was desperate to be inside and on my way out. It was right there, and yet it felt impossible to leave without Breeve. As I waited I started wondering if I should not have approached the attendant. Maybe I should have just sneaked in my shuttle and try leave without him. Where was he anyway? But I could not have left without going through departure procedures anyway. It wasn't like I could just run away, and besides perhaps that was an overreaction? I actually could not tell. I shifted from one leg onto the other... Waiting. 

Finally he came back: “Sorry for the wait. I had to verify some things.”

“Verify things?”, I asked, “Where is my agent? He has just vanished. He never came to see me after the show. That's not normal.”

“Kassandra May?” I turned around to the metallic voice behind me. A stormtrooper was standing behind me.

“Yes?”, I asked. 

“I have orders to take you to your quarters.”

“Take me where? I don't have quarters. I have a shuttle and I also have engagements elsewhere. I need to leave now, as planned.” I started really panicking now. What was going on? I suddenly remembered what the General had said. He was going to make arrangements for my quarters, he had said. He wanted me to stay. Did he really just do that? He made a move on me, chocked me and then made arrangements for me to stay on this planet? In fact, was he trying to stop me from leaving by keeping Breeve from contacting me? I always knew the First Order were a creepy, controlling, power thirsty bunch, and he was one of their leaders and I was on his base. There was no police one could go to. There was no one on the base who would step in and make sure I am save, only Breeve, but he was missing. I felt myself starting to hyperventilate. This could not be. I was a free galaxy citizen. They could not keep me from leaving. I had done nothing wrong. On the contrary, I had been physically attacked by a high ranking First Order officer. I had not provoked him. Although my silly guilty mind was wondering if I had provoked him, by playing the untouchable, magic Phython artist to him while on stage. But then what had I really done? I only had given him the eye. That was not an invitation to choke me. In no world was that a reasonable responds. 

“I can't allow that. You need to come with me”, the Stormtrooper said. 

A wave of fury washed over me and I put my hands on my hips: “I NEED to leave this ship. You have no right to keep me from leaving. I came here to do a gig and I have done it and now I have to go. And where is my agent?!”

“Keep your voice down.”

“Get my shuttle scheduled for immidate departure!”

“You need to calm down and come with me.” The trooper shifted his weapon. It did not scare me. Being kept here against my will was a real threat, but I doubted they would just shoot me in the port. 

“What are you gonna do, shoot me?”

The trooper moved his weapon downwards into one hand and grabbed my arm. I pulled back. 

“Let go! Are you crazy?”

“I recommend you come willingly.”

“Do you? Is that what you people are used to? You simply decide to keep innocent people against their will? And you expect we all go along with it?” 

“I advise you to be careful of what you are saying, Miss”, the attendant said quietly. The trooper tugged on my arm. I started feeling sick. Why was I treated like a criminal? I swallowed and stayed silent, but I remained rooted to the spot. The trooper moved his weapon onto his back and pulled both my arms together behind my back. I gasped and twisted in his grasp, not making it easy. I wasn't going to just let them hold me against my will without a reason. Of course I could not match the storm troopers strength. He managed to drag me along away from the port, up some levels to another part of the base. No one we encountered along the way seemed interested in what was happening with me. 

Eventually we stopped outside a door along a quiet more narrow corridor with many more doors like it. He typed in a code I could not see to make the door slide open and simply pushed me inside. 

“You can not do this! You are criminals!”, I shouted as he closed to door in my face. 

I looked around quickly. I felt a suffocating sense of being trapped and lost. I was in a small, but objectively nice apartment. A room with a large window, next to it some leather chairs and a small coffee table. Over in one corner was a single bed. In the middle a table with two chairs. There was another slightly more narrow door in the wall. I turned around myself a few times taking everything in. 

I moved towards the main door, still expecting it to just slide open the way I was used to, but it did not. I hit the door a few times. 

“Hey!!”, I shouted. But there was no responds. I noticed the key pad and intercom to the side of the door. It was disabled. I hurried over to the window and looked outside. I don't know what I was looking for, I guess I hoped I could see at least where on the base I was by looking out, but it told me nothing. I hurried to the other smaller door. It slid open as I came closer. I hesitated a moment, then rushed through. It was a small bathroom. I registered small relief, realising there was one problem that came with being trapped, that I did not have. I had water supply, a loo, even a shower. There were even some standard issue toiletries. This room I was in was indeed just a standard apartment as they were common on a base like this. But why was I here? Why was I locked up in one against my will. What had just happened to my life within about one hour? A moment ago I was getting clean after a show. Then I got choked and kidnapped. How did this happen just like that? And what would happen next. My life had suddenly taken a different turn.


	4. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi dear readers!  
> Thank you for taking note of my little story and giving it kudos!!  
> Sorry this is again a shot chapter. Things will slowly unfold and get more meaty as we go.   
> I like a bit of suspense. I hope you do too. :)

Chapter 4 – Reality

I don't know how long I was there alone, just trying to contemplate reality. Hunger came and went. I drank water from the tap when my throat went dry. My legs grew tired. I slid down the wall and crouched, burring my face in my hands. I thought of my family and friends. When would they start to worry about me? What would they be told if they asked where I was?

There was the sound of the door unlocking and sweeping back. I looked up alert. A man in uniform stood there with a tray of what seemed to be food. I stood up and stepped forward. He walked on, looking blankly and put the tray on the table. What ever was on it was steaming. I looked at it from a distance, then back at the man and the door behind him. I moved towards him as he made to leave. 

“Hey!”, I shouted, willing him to wait. He paused and looked at me, “I can't stay here. This is a huge misunderstanding.”

“It has nothing to do with me”, he said and made to leave again.

“Who do I need to speak to to sort this out?!”, I called desperately. He hesitated, then said: “General Hux.” 

I didn't know what to say to that. I wanted to work this out as quickly as possible, communicate with who ever was in charge of my entrapment, and yet, I did not want to be confronted with that man again. The uniformed man took my hesitation as a sign that our conversation was over. He turned and left. I made a move towards the door, but realised there was no way I was getting out that way. I turned and looked at the food the man had brought. It was some kind of plane, nutritious, bland mush. Still, it was something and it was eatable. I sat down, deciding I needed to keep my strength up, and wolfed it down. 

Nothing happened for a long time. The clock in the wall indicated it turned evening when another uniformed man arrived with another tray of what looked the same. I got up quickly and approached him.

“Hey, listen. You people can't just keep me here. I am not a criminal. I have done noting wrong. General Hux simply decided to trap me in here. I am not some animal. I need to let people know where I am and that I'm ok. I need to leave!”

“I am only bringing dinner”, he said without looking at me. 

“Yes I know. No one is responsible! What do you suggest I do, huh?! What am I to do?! You people can't do this! You are a part of it, you know! This is wrong!”

He looked up at me: “I wouldn't...” he shook his head, “You got food, you got a bed. You are okay”, he turned and left. I cried an angry scream after him and sank to the floor again. This frustrating game continued into the next day. My interaction with those who brought me food got shorter and more vicious from my part. 

In the afternoon of the next day the door opened again. It wasn't my usual feeding time I noticed. I looked up from my crouching place by the opposite wall. 

It was the General. Adrenalin rushed through me and I was instantly more awake. He spotted me and entered the room, his arms behind his back. I was still perching low against the wall by the back window. Fear shrieked through my veins as much as a sudden sense of opportunity to end this. 

He walked towards me and stopped about a meter away from me. He looked down, coldly, formally.  
I didn't dare move. 

“I hear you have been complaining?”, he said.

I looked up at him, frozen. It felt like my voice was still trapped by his leather gloved hand around my throat. I swallowed. I had to be stronger than this. He was here and listening. This was my chance to work this out with him, what ever this was. 

“I want to go home”, I said, surprising myself with just how feeble my voice sounded. He just looked down at me. His face remained completely the same. Then he blinked and all of a sudden his gloved hand made powerful impact with my cheek, burning my skin and sending a thunder of pain through my head. I gasped and tried to steady myself, but then his hand closed like a vice around my throat once again and pulled me up the wall to his eye level. His eyes were stabbing into mine. I could not breath, twitching violently with all my muscles trying to create air to breath. 

I saw his jaw tighten as his eyes stabbed into mine. I saw nothing human there, just an ice cold shadow of suppressed anger. My vision was going blurry and I thought I was dying. Then his grip disappeared from one heart beat to the next and I felt my body fall to the ground. I saw his blurry outline remain where he stood before me for a moment. As I gasped for air and started to regain my vision he turned and left. I felt my lips moving, trying to say something to stop him, but the rest of me would not form words. 

Left behind on the ground, slowly regaining oxygen in my body I began to shiver all over. For a moment I just listened to my breath, trying to relax as much as I could to allow the shivering to subside. I felt my hands on the cold metal floor. I noticed my cheek was still burning and my skull was aching. I observed all of the physical sensations slowly calm down. I was left with a shaky tremor when ever I flexed a muscle accidentally, a hot swollen cheek and a dull ache in my head. 

Something began to sink in. I was a prisoner. No, worse than that. I was a hostage. No one was looking out for my wellbeing. General Hux could do to me what ever he wanted. He simple choose to keep me here and made it happen. He choose to attack me twice with no consequence to him. He could just kill me and no one would do anything about it. My family would never know what happened to me. I would simply vanish.


	5. Still want to go Home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much NEW happening in this chapter, but the Generals true intentions will soon be revealed. Thanks for reading, kudos-ing and bookmarking! -and feel free to let me know what you think so far!

I stayed on the ground by the wall. I became very familiar with the patterns on the metal floor. For hours I was not thinking at all. I was just there, somewhat complacent with the nothingness that was most of my day. Better that, than more abuse. But ever so often my will for freedom and justice sprung back to life. There had to be a solution, a way out. What did he want from me? Did he just decide he liked the look of me, so he would keep me? Why was he hurting me? Did he want me to hate and fear him? If he wanted to go out with me, he could have asked me on a date. I probably would have even said yes. He was good looking in his own way. He was powerful and authorative, which was attractive. I guess he just wasn't interested in dating. Then a whole other idea started to form in my head. Maybe this really was a huge misunderstanding. Maybe he thought I was someone else. Or maybe he thought I was a political enemy. But if this was the case I would be in a holding cell, being interrogated. Confusion set in, mixing with boredom and turning into anger again. I needed to get out. I had to make a better plan, one that did not involve the General. He clearly could not be reasoned with. He was dangerous and I did not want to risk any more of his abuse. 

Dinner arrived. It was the same bland pot of mash, carried by a uniformed man. I stood up, feeling my joints ache. 

“Listen”, I said to him, trying a more calm approach than before, “what's your name?”   
The man blinked at me but didn't reply. 

“Can you tell me why I am here? Do you know?”

“I don't know, Miss.”

“I need your help. Please. Please help me”, I begged, trying to contain my emotions.

He looked uncomfortable, “I can not help you, Miss.” He turned to leave then stopped to look back, “I suggest you be compliant.”

“Compliant with what?”, I asked getting annoyed. He just turned away and left. 

I sighed and rubbed my head, taking the bowel of mash and returning to my spot on the ground by the wall. 

I ate, beginning to hate the bland paste. Then the door opened again. I looked up and felt my throat tightening at the General's re-appearance. He walked towards me as before, very formally in his black uptight uniform. I watched him come closer and I could not help but try to creep back into the wall. I felt myself start to shiver again. I looked away trying to curl up smaller, but kept him in my sight out of the corner of my eye. He stopped in front of me and looked down at my pathetic form. 

“Do you still want to go home?”, he asked calmly and factually, studying my face as my eyes began to dart from left to right, desperately trying to figure out what to say. Yes I did, I did want to go home. Had he come to his senses? Was he going to let me go home? A spark of impatient hope was pushing me to say yes. Or was this some kind of test? Was he provoking me? Last time I said I wanted to go home and he hit and choked me. Part of me was expecting to be hit any moment, another kept telling me to grab the chance while it was on offer. 

I found myself mouthing “yes...please”, but I could not speak. Shakily I nodded, growing tense with fear but clinging to home. 

He looked down at me another moment, exhaling slowly. 

This time I could see the fast swing of his hand coming, but it did not help. My chin hit the metal floor and I bit my lip. I cried out and tried to push myself back, I touched my face and saw blood in my hand. I began to cry and tried to crawl away. He grabbed my hair and pulled me back to him. I cried out at the pain. He let go, only to hit me with the back of his gloved hand this time across the other side of my face. I fell again and stayed down desperately covering my head with my hands, shivering and crying. I only heard his footsteps move away and the door opening and closing. Once the door had closed I cried hard. I saw blood dripping from my mouth to the ground. I pushed myself up and dragged myself along the wall to the bathroom. There was a mirror above the sink. I looked at myself. My cheeks where red and swollen and my left cheek bone looked like it was going to bruise. My chin was also bruising and my lower lip was cut and blood was smeared around my mouth and down my neck. I was shocked at the picture of abuse. I was pale, tired looking and my hair strainy. It hit home, I was living a different life now. I was captive of a tyrant. Of course, someone who destroyed entire planets would not have any problem with beating a woman. He would not blink to kill me either if that was what he wanted. This was real. I was at the mercy of this man. I was crazy to think I could reason with him. How ever formal and polite he may have first appeared when he asked my permission to enter my green room, it was fake. This was who he really was. That was the moment I realised I was not going home any time soon. I was going to die before he would let me go. 

I cleaned the blood off my face as best I could and tried to cool my bruises under cold water. I rolled some toilet paper together to compress my bleeding lip and returned to my spot on the ground. I cried a little more, thinking of my family and saying goodbye for now. Maybe one day I would see them again. But for now, I was the General's new toy.


	6. Change of Thought

“Do you still want to go home?” . The General asked as he looked down at me the next day once again. He had found me on my spot on the ground, looking rough. My face was bruised, my cheek bone and part of my lower lip swollen where it had cracked open. My hair was strainy and knotted. I didn't even dare looking up. I was hugging my knees to my chest and just gazed at his black boots before me, keeping my head low. I felt myself shake my head slowly in defeat. I thought I had understood. He did not like that I wanted to leave. He wanted me to stay, for what ever reason. And he wanted me to want to stay too. Only, his way to go about it was not to be nice and convince me of any possibly tempting reasons to stay, but to simply beat me into such fear of him that I would just say what ever he wanted to hear. I could feel him looking at me. He didn't respond for a moment. Then I heard him say almost softly. 

“What do you want?”

Was this a trick? I panicked, holding my knees even more tightly. I had not expected this kind of question. What did I want? Other than NOT go home? Since I really actually wanted nothing more than go home I did not know the answer to this question. 

He looked around the room a moment, thoughtful, then back down at me.

“What do you need?”, he asked.

Did he really ask me what I wanted or needed? Did he really want to know or was I supposed to say something specific like... that I needed nothing? ….or that I wanted....him? Perhaps he could see my brows furrow at that thought. I heard him exhale impatiently. 

“Would you like your equipment?”

I looked up slowly and carefully, questioning. He was still looking down at me, his hands behind his back. 

“Well?”, he prompted. I blinked, struggling to even speak in front of him. 

“My equipment?”

“Your aerial stuff. Would you like it...in here? I hear your people prefer to be high up and moving.”

I looked back at him a little surprised. He was right and I had been in such terror about my abduction and wanting to get out that this thought had not come to me. I had not exactly thought about making this apartment my own to be fair. I struggled again to find an answer that I felt was not risking another beating. I looked down again. 

He sighed impatiently and shifted: “I will arrange for it to be installed for you.” He watched me again quietly for a moment. I did not react, too scared to do anything wrong. “Get yourself cleaned up.”, he added, “Look at you. you're disgusting.” He turned and walked away. 

When I was sure he had gone I moved to the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror again. I hardly recognised myself. That was not me. Then again, this was not my life. He was right. I felt sudden shame that I had not even thought about having a shower since I got here. I usually took pride in my appearance. But then to be fair, he was very much to blame too. The physical abuse was a much stronger visual than my messy hair. I leaned onto the sink and looked at my face closer, making eye contact with myself. 

“Stop being a pathetic victim”, I told myself in my head. It could be worse. People disappeared every day. People get persecuted and killed by the First Order every day. I'm alive. In fact no one has threatened my life. The General had hurt me and scared me. Yes, I feared for my life, every time he chocked me, but from what I could gather, his intention was to scare me or to punish me for not behaving the way he wanted me to. But his intention was not to kill me. If he wanted to kill me, he would have just done so. He wouldn't have given me a room and food, or offered me to install my aerial kit. He ….liked me. In his twisted way he liked me. He had said that I was beautiful before. And I had seen the way he had watched me in my performance. He liked the look of me enough to want to keep me around. Unluckily it meant that I was locked up on his base now and subject to his abuse. But on the other hand it perhaps meant that I was not in the immediate danger that I had felt. My life was not over yet. Perhaps...if I found the right way to play his game, I could survive and eventually get away. 

 

Later I sat on the edge of the bed, watching some men rig my hoop, trapeze and silks from the high ceiling in the room. Yes my heart was warming at seeing my things. I had never really noticed just how much time I spent practising. For me it was not practice. The General was right, my people spent time moving, preferably high up. This was certainly true for me. I felt most comfortable there. It was what I spent most of my time doing. Moving within my hoop, hanging from my trapeze and swirling in my silks. Making shapes made me feel so inside my body. I could feel all of me there. All of me was present and I was playing with gravity, with the softness and hardness of my surroundings. It made me feel alive, it made me feel all I was and it made me feel truly part of the world. I had not even noticed how harsh it had been for me to sit on the ground for days. I had not noticed, because everything had been so harsh and different, terrifying and violent. And now, here were my things, my tools that allowed me to spend my time the way I was used to and craved. That, and I had finally washed off the shock, the misery and sweat of fear and pain. My face still felt uncomfortable, but as I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling at least clean, and wearing a white body suit I had found in the bathroom, I began to feel like a person again. I did not move until the men had gone. I continued to watch the hoop swing gently above the window for a while, before I slowly stood up, walked over and took a hold of it. I just stood and felt it a moment. My body knew what to do. Almost automatically I allowed my feet to leave the ground and I moved up into the hoop, slinking in and out of it only to rest again, leaning into the round metal frame, seeking its comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will start introducing some sexual content, so if you are looking for that keep reading as it is time to get a bit dirty ;)


	7. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in updating. The final sprint to get everything organised for the end of the year, travelling and seeing family all meant there was no time this it. However now I'm on holiday....here comes chapter 7. It's getting a little more heated now. I hope you enjoy it! :)

That same evening General Hux found me not hunched together, victimised on the ground when he returned. He slowly looked up as he paused by the door. I was slowly turning, resting in my hoop. My hands tightened on its metal as he looked at me and I looked back at him. From this perspective, he seemed less intimidating. I felt more out of his reach, like I had felt during my performance, but I was not as high and not as out of reach as I was then. Things had changed. I stared back at him, alert, tense and apprehensive. He just stood, his arms behind his back. He looked me over slowly. 

“Good”, he said. He went to the intercom panel by the door and typed something in. I watched him, still tense and still, not sure what I should do next. He turned back to me and walked over to the sofa and sat down. He leaned back and settled, still watching me. I watched him. He nodded

“Don't mind me. Please...I just... want to watch you move.”

I did not feel like moving at all with him staring at me. How fast things had changed. Last time he came to see me perform I was high up, felt so untouchable and amazing and so save I felt nothing by it to flirt with him. What had I been thinking? Someone should have told me not to provoke men unless I could follow through. But then, I enjoyed teasing men when I was performing. The fact that I was out of their reach was the point and just because I gave them the eye did not mean I was suggesting anything. That was no longer relevant. I wouldn't have had the stomach to flirt with this man now. I was well aware that he could do what ever he wanted with me. I was not going to give him any ideas. But he wanted to watch me move and I thought it best to keep him happy so he would not think of hurting me again. I could do this. This was easy compared to what some people in this mans captivity probably went through. I could move. It was what I did best. I took a deep breath and forced myself through some gentle, easy slinky movements in and around my hoop. I avoided looking at him. I could feel his presence and his attention. But I avoided the stress of looking at him. He did not say anything and he did not move. 

I tensed when I heard the door beep and glide open. I froze and looked to the door. Someone came in, bringing a tray with a bottle of something with glasses. The General did not even look. His eyes stayed on me.

“Continue”, he said. The tray was placed on the table and the man left. I continued as I was told, but carefully observed the General get up and walk to the table, opening the bottle and poring himself a glass. It seemed to be some kind of sparkling wine. He returned to the sofa, settled, drank and watched. 

I wanted to make sure his mood did not change and that he did not forget my value of being alive and healthy enough to be moving, so I showed him some more involved figures and sequences. I did not feel great though and tried to not demand too much of myself. I kept it easy. I also did not want to appear in any way sexy. I stuck to technical, artistic figures and did not choose anything that may have looked suggestive to a man. I avoided looking at him as I moved for a while. But when my eyes passed him again eventually, I felt my body tense into stillness again. I noticed that his right hand was moving on his crotch, which seemed to be unusually bulging. He was stroking himself slowly but definitely and he was not in any way hiding it. He must have noticed that I noticed from my sudden tensing, but he did not seem to mind. 

“Continue”, he said a little more quietly and a little hoarsely. 

For a moment I could not move. My hands were gripping the metal frame hard and my breath was stuck in my throat. Ok so he was definitely getting off on my performance no matter how non-saucy I was trying to me. Or was this just what some men did when they relaxed? Maybe it didn't mean anything much? He certainly behaved like it didn't mean anything. I was so clueless about men and their sexual behaviours. I had learned about male anatomy in school, and how the whole reproductive thing worked on most planets. I had seen the odd picture of a naked man and heard some stories from my girlfriends who were sexually active, but all that just about told me vaguely what he was doing. Anything beyond that I did not have a clue about. I didn't even know if anyone else would. 

“Move”, I heard him say a little more firmly but just as hoarsely. I snapped out of it. This was not the time to make him angry. I could sense that. I took a slow breath and got back into my little easy routine, now keeping it very basic, not wanting to risk anything that could fuel his arousal more. I tried to not look at him anymore. I did not want to know what he was doing. I did not want to see it for sure. I was strongly hoping that what ever he was up to was going to remain his business and it would not involve me. As I continued, and desperately pretended that he wasn't there I felt my body so stiff and awkward as I moved. I doubted my performance was up to my usual standard. But then his voice ripped me out of that worry once again. 

“Come down, now”, he said softly and slightly breathless. I tensed and stilled. I looked at him. His hand was still moving on his bulge. His cold eyes were piercing at me, shimmering with something so sharp I thought I could feel his gaze cutting my skin.   
My breath went shallow and my hands tightened firmly on the hoop. What was I going to do? He wanted me to come down, why? He was done watching? He wanted more of me than just a show? 

His jaw tightened and he got up and walked over to where I was. I watched him, tensing and gripping the hoop more tightly. He grabbed my ankle and pulled surprisingly hard. I lost my grip and slid off the hoop. With a loud thud I smashed into the metal ground. My hip and wrists made painful impact. I cried out and felt the impact up into my shoulder too. A moment I panicked, fearing I might have really injured myself. I moved to get onto my hands and knees and recognised that I was okay enough to do that. The General was standing over me. 

“You do not!!”, he thundered, his voice shaky with anger and tension, “hesitate!!”   
I crouched low and looked up at him. He was pointing his finger in my face, hovering over me, his expression vicious. Then he moved his hand through his ginger hair to stroke back some strands that had come astray and fallen into his face. He looked like he was containing a lot more that he wanted to shout at me, but he pulled back, straightened up, turned and walked away fast. On his way to the door he wiped the bottle and remaining glass off the table. Glass shattered into many small pieces around the room. He left. 

I found myself tense and aching on the ground again, catching my breath. I brought my hand to my mouth as I felt intense sorrow come over me and I began to cry hard, shivering from shock.


	8. The Galaxy Within

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi All,   
> here is the new chapters. I hope you enjoy things getting a little juicer :)

I don't know how long I was there on the ground, shaking, crying and aching. I calmed down slowly as I realised that I had not seriously hurt myself during the fall. I could move all my joints. I slowly forced myself up to standing and moved to the sofa where General Hux had been sitting. It did feel more comfortable than the floor. I rested my aching body a moment and carefully moved my leg and shoulder, assessing the damage and easing the pain. I looked across the room, noticing the sheds of glass glittering on the dark metal floor. I looked around for something I could use to clean it up. There was nothing. I decided to remain where I was for a moment and calm down. I took a few slow deep breaths and wondered, what had I done wrong this time? I had had the goal to keep the man in a good mood around me in order to avoid more abuse. How had this happened? “You do not hesitate” he had said. He had told me to come down and I had hesitated. Of course I had hesitated. He was alone with me, touching himself and wanting me to come down from my save place. How could I have not hesitated? But it was easy to understand why he was angry. He did not like rejection. I had already learned that back in the green room what felt like a long time ago. But then, what was I to do? Just do as I am told? It dawned on me that my life here could become quickly a lot more complicated and uncomfortable for me. Just a moment ago I had picked myself up thinking that I was having it easy compared to others who this man held prisoner. My life seemed not in danger and I was not being interrogated or tortured for information. But saying I was therefore lucky was perhaps an overstatement. My low self-esteem kept trying to tell me that it was silly to think this man had any romantic or sexual interest in me. But the evidence was beginning to shout out that voice in my head. Surely making me compliments, trying to touch me, keeping me against my will, and getting off on watching me were enough signs to suggest he was interested in me. So what if he wanted more? I knew why I hesitated to get down from the hoop. I was scared of what he wanted to do with me. Was this something I had to be prepared for? Worst case scenario, what would I do if he wanted to sleep with me? Could I somehow avoid this? He had already taught me to tell him what he wanted to hear and to not hesitate when he gave an order. That left me with very little options to get around any sexual advances, should they come. Maybe I could talk to him. At some point, in that green room things went wrong and I became a victim. Maybe it did not have to be that way. Maybe I could be an equal person again, if I stopped behaving like a victim. Maybe I could speak to him like a person. My eyes fell on the glass on the ground again. I forced myself up off the sofa and carefully moved to the bathroom. I picked up a towel and returned into the main room, I got down onto my knees and began to carefully wipe the glass and liquid together with the towel. 

I woke up, curled up on my sofa early the next morning. I was brought some food as usual in the morning.... at lunch time someone came and brought a parcel and a note... there was no food. 

I got up and slowly stepped towards the parcel after the deliverer was gone. 

I looked at it. The note was handwritten; “Be ready at nineteen hundred hours.”  
I opened the parcel and discovered a glittering fabric and what seemed to be diamond earrings.   
I touched the glitter carefully. I knew this was expensive, very valuable, special stuff. I unwrapped the rest of it carefully and discovered shoes too. I spread the dress out on the table and it looked so lush, I could not help but be a little amazed. Then I noticed there was no food. Expensive glitter was not going to solve my hunger. I remembered the notice. “Be ready at nineteen hundred hours.” -Be ready for what, I wondered. Well, looking at the dress, it seemed to mean he wanted me to wear it. Fear shivered through me and made me tense. What exactly was he planning tonight? Did he want me to get all pretty for him so he could ...do me? He didn't need me to wear diamonds for that, did he? As far as I was told that stuff was done more naked. He wanted me to wear clothes, that was kind of a good sign, I calmed myself. Time seemed to grind to a hold after that. I spent most of the day on the sofa, staring at the dress. When daylight started to fade I moved towards the parcel again, my stomach clenching with hunger. I slowly took my clothes off and tried on the dress. I felt like a breath of silver. It was so light on my shoulders and hugging me, just right in all the places. The shoes fit too. I went to the bathroom to see myself in the mirror, diamond earnings in my hand. The dress on my shoulders seemed to make me look so much more valuable. 

I put the earrings on and looked at myself a moment. Apart from the bruises in my face I seemed transformed into some fairly tale princess. 

I heard the door. I tensed and moved out of the bathroom. The General was entering, wearing his usual black uniform. I froze in the door to the bathroom. He looked around and spotted me. His eyes lingered on me a moment but I could not read his expression. He held his gloved hand out to me. I felt I had to move towards him. I only got as far as his hand could reach. 

“You look...very beautiful. I thought it would fit you.”  
I blinked slowly. Not sure that I should even meet his eyes, I looked down.  
“Thank you,...General.”  
“You are welcome”, he said, after a horrible pause. I felt his hand move around towards the small of my back, moving me forward. I tensed even more but moved towards the door with him. He led me out of the room and down the corridor. I was very aware that I had not left this room since I was put here by a guard what seemed so long ago. It was a strange feeling. In a way it felt saver to be out of there. In public, I thought, he was not so likely to go sexual on me. 

We walked in silence together for a while. The silence seemed particularly awkward during our never ending elevator ride. His hand remained at my lower back the whole time. It was an odd feeling of threat and then also...weirdly supportive. It was what a gentleman would do, I suppose, guiding his lady around unfamiliar territory. But it was him. Last time I saw him he was stroking his cock and pulling he onto the ground. He had chocked and hit me to subdue me. That very hand that did those things was guiding me forward. 

We finally turned a corner and entered what seemed to be a large bar or restaurant, I looked around at all the people. Most of them were in First Order Uniform. There were some glamorous looking women too and a huge panoramic window wall, overlooking some part of the station and then, never ending icy mountains. I must have gasped as I stopped and forgot everything, looking at the view. 

“You like a view, do you?”, I heard the General ask. I blinked and did not answer. His hand tugged me over to the bar. 

“What do you like?”  
I quickly focused again at his question. 

“I'm sorry?”

“What do you like... to drink?”

“Huh...”, I felt stress come over me. Did he ask me for my alcoholic preference? I had never had alcohol before. It was not becoming to my body. I had learned that from watching adults as a child. And I never had felt the need to try it.

“I...I don't......I'm sorry, I don't....”

He watched me a moment as I stammered, his brows furrowing. Then he turned away to the bar and ordered something. Shortly later he handed me a tall glass of something gold and sparking. It looked so extravagant....and felt...evil. I took it, looked at it., ….then looked at him. He nodded encouragingly. I tried it and, well, I guess I understood the appeal of the sweet and dry, sharp and bubbly poison that makes one loose their inhibitions. I tried it, discovering that it was not unpleasant tasting. I took a big gulp and quickly drank half the glass. I was welcoming this to stop the tension, fear and stress. If he was going to do bad things to me, he was going to do it no matter what. I choose to not be sober for that. 

I saw his face twist and he snatched the glass away from me. Feeling the effect of the bubbles go to my head fast on an empty stomach I tried to collect myself. I had made him cross. I could tell. I looked down submissively, fearing him lashing out. That was not what I had intended to cause.

“Forgive me.... General. I... It.... tastes so nice.”  
I could feel his eyes on me and for a moment I wondered if he was going to smash the glass in my face. Then, he slowly held it back out to me. 

“Pace yourself”. He said darkly. I could feel the shiver of fear run through me, but a little looser, less severely and horribly than before. Was this the alcohol?

I looked up at him carefully, and took the glass back. 

“Yes...Sir, thank you”, I said and just held the glass a moment, while he still watched me wearily.   
Then he guided me over to a table near the amazing window. He pulled a chair back for me, and I sat, my eyes fixed on the icy scene outside. He moved around the small table to take the seat opposite me. A waiter arrived with a bottle, refilling my glass, and laying out cutlery. The General was still watching me. I started feeling awkward and drank some more, willing myself to feel more of that blurry numbness that was spreading through me. 

“When I first saw you. up in the air. I thought you looked like the essence of the galaxy was inside you, shining out of your eyes. ...I couldn't let you go. Now... you are hiding it from me.”, he said. 

I looked back at him. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say that that may happen when you choke and beat people, but I was not that stupid. 

“I'm not hiding anything, General”, I said quietly. I looked at my empty plate. I could still feel his eyes on me. 

“I thought I....”, he started again seemingly ignoring what I had said, “might treat you a little, show you what the spark in your eyes is worth to me.” 

“Thank you”, I said and he gave a slight nod. Food arrived. What ever it was, it did look good. He probably had not let me have lunch on purpose so I would be glad for what ever he choose to order for me. I was so hungry. And I was well aware that I was somewhat drunk. I did not feel as much terror anymore. It was a very welcome break from the constant tension, fear and dread. I even found myself feel somewhat daring. 

“You don't drink?”, I asked carefully, having noticed early on that he was only drinking water.   
He looked at me quickly: “Not in public.”

“Me neither, I mean I don't drink”, I said giving him a smile. Now that I had found my inner daredevil again I thought I do what I can to make him feel that we were both just people, equal people, the way we started, before he choked me in the green room. Maybe me being such a victim could be reversed. I noticed him giving me that look again,

“Oh”, I realised, “Well it's my first time tonight”, I said holding the glass up. He kept looking at me. Impossible to say what was going on in that man's head. I looked down, realising what I had said, wondering if that was why he was looking at me like that. 

“Tell me about your”, he paused slightly, “ex-boyfriends.”

I must have raised my eyebrows at that question, I shook my head: “Nothing to tell.” He continued to look expectant. I shrugged and explained: “No boyfriends, sorry.” He frowned irritable.

“Don't think me a fool.”

I sobered a little noticing his mood was worsening. 

“It's the truth, Sir. I'm a good girl. Always waited for the right man, you know.” 

“And what would Mr Right have been like?”, he asked sarcasm in his voice. 

I thought and shrugged: “I don't know.”, I wanted to add that Mr Right would certainly not kidnap and beat me, but I would have never dared, he clearly wanted to know more so I felt it was best to satisfy him, so I thought on, “handsome....confident.....hm....protective.... what about you, Sir?”

“Me what?”

“Your ex-girlfriends?...or girlfriends?”

He gave me a rather superior look: “I'm a busy man. I don't have time for ...girlfriends.”

“What do you have time for?”, I asked, it just slipped off my alcohol loosened tongue. 

“The galaxy”, he said, “it is mine.” 

I wasn't sure I understood that answer exactly. But him being who he was it perhaps wasn't too surprising an answer. However my thoughts were drawn back to what he had said earlier, that he felt the essence of the galaxy was inside me. Was this why he kept me? 

I noticed that we had both finished our meals only when the General stood and held his hand out to me: “Join me for a drink, will you?” 

I doubted it was a genuine question, so I stood and let him lead me away. I turned back one more time to see the amazing view over the ice. Who knew when I would next see the outside world again apart from my prison window.


	9. Confession Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this one is a short and juicy one with a little cliffhanger.   
> Its definitely steaming up I think ;)  
> Thank you all for reading, bookmarking the kudos and of course the lovely comments and feedback, which really helps me and inspires me to write more.

Still a bit drunk, I lost track of how many lifts we got into and how many corridors we went down, his hand always lightly on my lower back, guiding me. There were moments when it creeped me out, but I did not feel I could tell him not to touch me. This was not good. Then we past some other people and there was something weirdly proud in me about being on a date with this powerful man. It must have been the alcohol. Eventually we arrived at a door, which the General opened. It revealed a large, stunning apartment. It was the luxury version of what I had. Incredibly spacious and with very little in it. Glossy, dark floors, to the right a few steps went up to another area, slighting enclosed. I spotted a large bed in there and choose not to look in that direction again. It was easy, because right in front of me, as the General led me into the room, was the largest window I had ever seen. It was less a window and rather an entire wall, made of glass, overlooking the ice from much higher than the restaurant had done. I gasped and moved forward. My hands pressing against the glass and I leaned into it, imagining I was flying. I could hear the General behind me, pouring drinks. Then he walked up behind me and held a glass of something out to me. 

I took it and faced him. He held a glass too and looked at me. I started feeling nervous again as he looked in my eyes. He held up his glass. 

“To a great view”, he knocked the content back. I hurried to do the same, not because I wanted to, but because I did not want to upset him again. The liquid burned my throat and I gasped, clutching my chest. 

He took the empty glass away from me as he said “Perhaps you stick to the champagne next time”, with a slight smirk, which I noted was something I had not seen on him before. It nearly felt like a normal date, ...nearly, had it not been for the fact that my date terrified me. As he turned away to remove the glasses I turned back to the window. The view was an amazing distraction to the nervousness I felt about being alone with this man again. 

I heard him move closer again.   
“You like the view then?”, he said a little quieter and I could feel his breath on the top of my shoulder. I took a slow deep inhale and felt both his gloved hands on my hips, gently and yet with entitlement. His hands travelled up and down my sides slowly and I felt him place a light kiss on the side of my neck. My heart started racing and I struggled to breath, feeling totally trapped. 

He pushed me forward into the glass, I caught myself with my hands against the window. He moved his leg between mine, pushing my feet a bit further apart with his boot. He leaned into the back of me and whispered a little breathlessly:

“I could take you right here against the window.” 

I panicked at his words and a strangled high sound of fear and desperation escaped my throat. My body went ridged. I didn't know what to do. The General spun me around. He looked frustrated and impatient at my reaction. I tried to just keep breathing, utterly petrified. He considered me a moment and it seemed as though he blinked his annoyance away. He moved his hand to the back of my neck. I could feel his leather gloved hand coating the back of my neck. He leaned in, his face so close I could smell him. He smelled clean and of metal and dark spice. I had little chance to move as he held onto my neck and moved closer, placing his lips on mine slowly but possessively. It frightened me even more if that was possible and I tensed even more, instinctively trying to pull away from his grip. His jaw tightened and he looked at me, his eyes pierced through mine. He was angry. 

“What is it?”, he hissed at me.

I didn't know where to look. I was trapped between him in his black uniform and the giant window. I could not look at him and looked down, breathing fast with fear. 

“I.... I'm sorry. I'm sorry...I...”, I tried to organise my thoughts quickly. He hated rejection. I had figured that much out about him. I had to quickly make clear to him that this was not about him. 

“I...I ...haven't done this before”, I said, blushing and looking anywhere but at him, “...I told you...no boyfriends...” 

He frowned slightly, still cross but listening: “Not having boyfriends doesn't stop you from having sex.” There was a hint of a question in his statement. 

I looked at him quickly, then down again. I was so embarrassed I could not look him in the eye.

“Maybe it wouldn't stop you”, I said quietly, “I was...waiting. You know.”

“Waiting”, he repeated. I nodded. “Waiting?”, he said again, this time asking. Did he really not understand this?

“It's an intimate thing. It ...is scary and ….intimate....I...I know most people my age are different..but ...that was my first kiss. I'm sorry...I don't feel....ready...please.” I kept staring down, biting my lip, feeling so ashamed and terrified of his reaction.


	10. First Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains rape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all, sorry for the wait. Life is busy and all that. Ok so here is a bit of a bigger, more daring, more dirty chapter. It describes a pretty detailed date rape scenario so be warned, or enjoy, which ever is relevant to you ;)

Chapter 10 - First Times

 

He was quiet a moment, then slowly I felt his grip on the back of my neck loosen. I cringed a moment, half expecting to be smacked in the face again. But then I noticed he was turning away from me. I looked up carefully. He had turned towards the window and crossed his arms behind his back.

“I must apologise”, he said rather formally, “I grew up in the military. Such innocence does not exist here.”

I watched him carefully, rather surprised at his apology. Was he human after all? Was there some sense of empathy in this man?

He turned and looked at me again: “You are different. I knew there was something about you. I saw it, but I didn't know what it was.” He stepped a little closer again and reached out slowly. I steeled myself as his gloved hand gently supported my jaw and tilted my head up to look at him.

“It's like you are brand new”, his fingers traced down my neck to my chest and his eyes followed his touch, “...untouched.... so...pure.”

I watched him carefully. I had a bad feeling about this. He seemed to be getting lost in this new idea of who or what I was. It somehow did not look like it was going to stop him at all.

“Please.....”, I dared to breath. His eyes met mine again.

“What?”, he said quietly, his hand still covering my chest.

I didn't know what to say that was not going to make him angry. What could I say? I wanted to beg him to not touch me, to leave me alone, but I was too fearful.

His hand rather gently closed around my throat. I tensed, but he did not squeeze. He slowly pulled me a step closer towards him and he moved his face closer again. I could feel his hot lips just ever so lightly brush over mine. His thumb tugged on my jaw and I parted my lips almost automatically. I blinked and saw his eyes closing as he placed his lips again on mine. I felt startled at the gentleness. Not that I had much experience, but if I was not so petrified I would have said he was a good kisser. He kept moving slightly away, only to return his mouth on mine, each time leaving my body, surprisingly, wanting more. There was a surge of adrenalin going through me. I felt my breathing intensify and something stirring deep inside me. Suddenly there was something new. I felt what could only be his tongue briefly lick at my lower lip. My heart started hammering in my chest. Next time his lips met mine his tongue entered my mouth, briefly flicking at mine. This felt so ...intimate, so internal, so wet. He did it again and I found myself responding, allowing my tongue to meet his. He moved away once again and I could see his chest rise and fall with a deep breath.

“I want to be the first to touch you”, he breathed and pulled his gloves off his hands. He grabbed my wrist with his bare hand and pulled me with him, away from the window. I looked ahead, where he was taking me and realised we were moving towards the alcove with the large bed. I stopped. He stopped too and looked back at me.

I was so afraid my heart was now hammering in my chest.

“Please”, I breathed and shook my head, “I'm not ready, please.” He looked at me and frowned. His lips tightened a moment, then he seemed to regain control of his frustration again. He stepped back towards me and whispered in my ear:

“I will make you ready”, I could feel his grip on my wrist tightening and he pulled me along. He pulled me around and pushed me down on his large bed. I gasped a little dizzy from the alcohol. I held my breath, too scared to move as he looked down on me. He seemed to pin me down with his ice cold glare as he undid his belt and took off his uniform jacket. Underneath he wore a simple, black fitted shirt and dog tags. He quickly moved on top of me. Everything was happening so fast. He placed kisses on my mouth and my cheek. His lips worked their way down my chest, across the fabric of my dress, down my stomach. His hands held my hips in place as his lips moved across my mount. He moved the fabric up my thighs and I could feel his mouth trace kisses along my naked inner thigh. A feeling of thrill washed over me. I did not know if it was fear or a weird, misplaced kind of excitement.

Should I try stop him? I was so blurry from the alcohol, I did not understand what I was feeling and what was right and what was wrong. This felt exciting and scary and wrong all at the same time. Was it worth trying to fight him over what he was doing to me and risk being beaten and choked again? Was it okay to allow him to do this to me instead? Was it okay to prefer this over being beaten? He moved my thighs up towards me. I gasped as I felt his hands tug on my underwear.  
“No!”, I gasped and my hands automatically moved down to stop him.

I heard him growl quietly and he grabbed my wrists harshly. I whimpered and he moved back up to face me and pushed my hands above my head, pinning them down. I blinked, looking up at him. His mouth was twisted in annoyance and he pushed a firm kiss on my lips. Then he whispered menacingly

“You are going to want it. You are going to want me.” He kept a hold of my wrists above my head with his left hand and pulled my dress aside with his right, exposing my small breasts. He moved down and softly bit both my nipples. I gasped and tried feebly to free my hands but he kept them pinned down. I could feel his tongue start to lick my right nipple while his free right hand possessively squeezed my left breast. I gasped at the strange sensation. Then his hand moved down between my legs. I could feel his hand lightly cover my sex, only separated by my underwear. I was ready to freak out, but I noted that he just touched me enough for me to be aware of it. His kisses travelled back up to seek my mouth. His tongue teasingly licked my lip and he kissed me deeply, forcing his tongue back into my mouth to meet mine. I could feel his body heavy on top of mine. Yet his fingers where ever so lightly brushing over my fabric covered sex. Confused, I could feel a strange sensation build between my thighs. It felt like my pussy was swelling under his light touch and all the adrenaline my body was producing was rushing down there. I felt my thighs open wider for him. I could not deny the fact that my sex wanted more of his touch. It was almost like the lightness of his touch was making me want more. He kept stroking me faster but continued his touch as lightly as a breeze of air. A soft whimper escaped me that he responded to with a soft kiss. I opened my mouth to it and met his deep hot demanding kiss. My hips bucked towards his hand, demanding more but he did not intensify his touch. My sex was now throbbing with need. My brain did not care anymore about who he was and under what circumstances I found myself in his bed. I had never experienced such an addictive feeling. All my body cared about was for the evil General to continue his teasing attention to my pussy. All of a sudden as his fingers brushed over me again I felt my sex twitch and tighten and an intense explosion of feeling washed over me. I cried out at the overwhelming sensation. It made me want to cry out for the General and cling to his shoulders but he still had my wrists pinned down above my head and I was too confused at what was going on. All I knew was that in that moment I did not care about anything else and while it felt so delicious it felt equally dirty and filthy and indecent and that made it even more delicious somehow. His mouth was hovering above mine and his hand had stilled. He was panting just as I was. He kissed me again possessively and then released my hands and moved both his hands down my sides. He gave me a deviant look then moved down to my hips and my hot, damp sex. I felt him move my dress up my body and he pushed the fabric over my head, covering my face. I began to panic then heard his voice hush me. He kissed me through the fabric of my dress and again moved his kisses down my body. I calmed a little as I realised he was not going to suffocate me. Now the lower half of my body felt rather naked. Once again I felt his hands tug on my underwear and this time I did not stop him. I could not. I was too scared he would use the dress covering my face to stop me breathing. I lay still, breathing fast as I felt him expose my most intimate place to the cool air and his eyes. No one ever had seen me like this. My thighs instinctively began to close but he stopped me and pushed them apart again. I could feel his breath on my pussy and stilled. What was he going to do?!

Then I felt his hot, wet tongue lick at my still sensitive folds. I gasped and my thighs opened more willingly. I felt so ashamed and shocked. Did men do this? This was so dirty. His tongue felt so primal, touching me there, so wet, so hot, so ...indecent. He kept flicking his tongue over my most sensitive spot, sometimes quickly and lightly, sometimes he pushed deeper between my folds, making me shiver. Did he enjoy this? I felt disturbed. but was now glad I could not see what was going on. I could feel that feeling building again inside me. I gripped the covers around me as my sex felt like it wanted to explode with this shameful, delicious feeling again. He kept flicking his tongue over me again and again and tipped me over once again. I cried out into the fabric of my dress and the General pushed his mouth hard onto my greedy sex. He could possibly feel the deep spasming as the shock waves of sweet indecent need washed over me again. As the orgasm subsided I felt left with tiredness, a very wet swollen sex and a settling sense of deep shame and embarrassment.

I could feel him move back up towards me. He pulled the rest of the dress above my head slowly, leaving me completely naked. I looked up at him tiredly. I was exhausted and all I wanted now was to be covered up and alone with my confusion and shame. Yet I was still here underneath the General, feeling his fierce gaze on my exposed body.

“You liked that, did you?”, he whispered and slowly pushed my thighs apart to settle between them. He moved my hands back above my head.

I tried to look away: “I don't...” he stopped me: “Shhh.” He kept a hold of my wrists above my head with his left hand and moved his right hand down. I could hear him undo his trousers. I tensed again. Was this not over yet? He pushed my thighs apart further and settled his hips against mine, his body weight heavy on me.

“I'm the one to claim you”, he hissed in my ear and I could feel him move something along my wet opening. I held my breath. This was going to happen. He was going to take my virginity. A flash of fear washed over me and I tensed. A whimper escaped me and I closed my eyes.

“Look at me”, he hissed at me as he continued moving his cock along my entrance, pushing a little deeper. I forced my eyes open, looking up at his pale vicious face. Some strands of his ginger hair had come loose and had fallen into his face as he looked down on me. His eyes were more piercing than ever. It felt like his eyes where already penetrating me. He settled his cock where he felt my opening and started to push in. I inhaled hard, shocked at the size of what was starting to force its way into me. I stared up at him, searching for that empathy I had thought I had seen earlier. Was there anything I could plea to? I saw only vicious hunger and domination. He began to stretch me slowly as he forced himself inside me. I was still very wet, which probably made things a lot easier for him and less painful for me. Yet it felt alarming just how much he was stretching my inner walls with his invasion. As he kept pushing further in it became more painful very quickly. I cried out at the pain and he paused. He lowered his face and kissed my cheek softly as though to soothe me.

“I'm sorry my love”, he whispered, his breath caressing my neck, Then he suddenly pushed hard inside me, holding me down hard at the same time. It felt like he tore something inside me. I cried out at the pain hard and my eyes widened at the shocking sensation of his large cock having forced his way deep inside me, stretching me so much it felt like it might rip me apart further if he moved.

“Shhh”,he hushed again in my ear, “Let go, let go.” I tried my best to tell my body to relax, but it did not listen to me. He began to move his cock inside me, pushing himself even deeper in, then slowly removing himself a little only to invade me deeply again. I gasped and tried to free my hands.

“No! Please! It's too big! Please!” He put one hand firmly across my mouth, muffling my plees as he continued.

I continued to struggle a moment then started to feel my body beginning to adjust somehow to his invasion. The pain began to become a little less intense and started to mix with a strange thrill again. As he kept moving inside me my walls around him began to start holding onto him, It was like they were beginning to crave the feeling of stretch and it was once again drawing all adrenaline towards my invaded sex. He continued to move slow and deep and my thrill continued to build. His breathing also grew harder against my neck. I could feel myself getting more wet again, taking the soreness away. My legs began to wrap around him as he moved on top of me, breathing faster and faster. The building adrenaline inside me started to give away again to tiredness in my sex and a beginning feeling of getting raw. I felt so confused and exhausted, feelings of dirty pleasure mixing with feelings of abuse and pain. His movements began to speed up and grew harder until he suddenly stopped with a particularly hard thrust and gasped into my ear. I could feel him spill his seed deep inside me, making me feel completely taken and abused. He stilled a moment, just breathing against my shoulder. I lay still, trying not to move, listening to my own breath. He raised himself off me slowly. I cringed at the soar feeling of him pulling out of me. He moved away from me. He stroked his hair back. I did not dare look at him. I choose to look at the ceiling and did not move. I could tell he was moving away from the bed and he disappeared into the on-suite near by, that I had not noticed before. Feeling sure he was gone I pulled my dress back towards me and covered my naked body. I did not know what to feel or think. I could hear him activate the shower. I felt so marked and dirty.

I heard him come back. I avoided looking at him.

“Go get cleaned up”, he said somewhat softly. I was only too keen to get out of that bed and away from him. Clutching the dress to my chest to cover myself as best I could I hurried towards the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath, covering my mouth trying to not cry. I did not want him to hear me. I just leaned against the door of the bathroom a moment. I let the dress fall to the floor. I became aware of the aching between my thighs. I turned to the shower. I could not wait to wash all this off me and out of me. The shower was spacious, clean and strong. I welcomed this luxury. I looked down and gasped at seeing some blood on my inner thighs. I turned the water as hot as I could bare. Feeling it scorch me, it washed away the blood and took away from the aching and burning between my thighs for a moment. I could have stayed there in that shower forever, but I knew eventually I had to come back out. I wrapped myself in a large, black towel and reluctantly edged back out into the room. The General was an unusual sight, his pale, bare chest covered by the dark blanket and ginger strands in his face, he looked up at me from the bed. His face impossible to read as so often. I moved around the other side of the bed and sat down on the edge. He pulled the blanket away, clearly wanting me to get in the bed with him.

“Leave that”, he said and tugged once at the towel clinging to my back. I took a slow deep breath, pulled the towel off me and slid under the covers as quickly as I could. It was an odd feeling of my clean hot skin against the cool silky covers, covered, and yet feeling so exposed and accessible. I knew his probably naked body was not far from me under the same blanket. But hopefully he was done with me for now. I forced myself to settle on my side of the bed. I turned away from him. I pretended to be sleeping, but listened carefully for any noise or move from him. There was nothing however and the lights got dimmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to add a note here, saying that this was the first time I wrote a rape scene in which the victim has some level of arousal or even orgasms. I just went with what felt right when I wrote it to be honest and I am happy personally with the result because I feel that sometimes realty is really messy and confusing and complicated too and therefore this feels somewhat realistic and more interesting than a "straight forward" rape (if there is such a thing!). I think the main character was originally somewhat attracted to Hux and could totally have fallen for him if he was not the brutal, horrible bastard he is. She also was pretty drunk and alcohol does weird things to us. I have no personal experience with rape of course but it is my personal experience that the body sometimes has a mind of its own too, especially under the influence of alcohol. AAAnd thats enough about the errors of my ways lol. Hope you got something out of this evil, dirty, wrong mess. :O


	11. In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sorry, for the long wait. Life is being busy and exciting and tiring.   
> And again sorry, because this chapter is very short and quite nasty.   
> I'm not selling it well.... lol.  
> Anyway, I hope to update again soon.

I spent a very long time, turned away from him near the edge of the bed, pretending to be asleep and listening out for anything from him. There was hardly anything. Yet I could not sleep. I still felt raw and achy inside and utterly vulnerable and uncomfortable. But eventually I began to drift in and out of consciousness and into moments of sleep that turned into longer stretches of time. 

The next thing I knew was his arm, like a strong snake, slowly wrapping around my waste. His body was moving up against the back of me and I felt his cock hard against my ass. 

I gasped, completely taken by surprise and shaken out of my light sleep. I tried to move away but his grip was firm around me. I could feel his hot breath on the back of my neck. His hand moved up to grab my neck, keeping me close. His other hand moved his cock to my sex, starting to try invade me. I tried to move away but his grip was holding me close. 

“No! Please...no!”, I gasped pleadingly. His grip tightened on my throat restricting my breath. I whimpered past his grip. In panic I pulled on his wrist to free my throat.

I heard him growl angrily and his grip on my throat tighten even more, not allowing me to get air. I struggled hard but he did not let go. About to pass out I forced myself to go still, desperately hoping he was going to let go. He loosened his grip and I gasped for air, panting hard.

“Please....please don't choke me...please”, I whispered still catching my breath, shivering. 

“Don't give me a reason”, he breathed into my ear menacingly. 

I wanted to say that I could simply not endure what he wanted. I felt so raw still and I was emotionally exhausted and so confused, but I couldn't. My throat seemed to choke itself the moment I took the breath to explain. He leaned into me again and I felt him push inside me, his hand still threatening around my neck. While it had been a struggle to take him before, this time it felt impossible. I was ridged with fear and discomfort. He seemed to grow more tense too as he struggled to get inside me. I cried out with the pain as he harshly forced himself inside me. His hand moved up quickly to cover my mouth. I was so tight, dry and ridged he could not enter me as deeply as before. But he made the most of the little bit of me he could force himself into, fucking me hard and viciously, I could feel his tense angry breath against my neck, his hand still tightly covering my mouth as I cried out hard. Eventually he was done once again. He moved away from me. I remained as I was, my body trembling and pain radiating from my sex. I cried hard but silently.


	12. Aftermath

For the rest of that night I listened to the pain inside me and willed dawn to lighten up the apartment already. I wanted this to end. I wanted out of his bed and away from him. Surely he had things to do when day broke? Surely there had to be an end to this, at least for now. I kept on the edge of the bed, turned away from him and not moving. It was still dark when I heard a low buzzing alarm from near by and the General was stirring. I kept silent and still, pretending to be asleep, but I listened. The General left the bed. I could hear him moving around in the apartment and I heard the shower again. I was deeply hoping he would just ignore me and leave. And that was what he did. After a while I heard the main door slide open and close and then it was all silent again. I did not dare move for some time after that. Eventually I dared to sit up and looked around. He was really gone. I pulled the blanket aside and stood up. I gasped in surprise at the aching of my sex and saw more blood on my thighs and on the bed sheet. Horrified I covered it up with the blanket and moved back to the shower. I scorched myself again with hot water, in an attempt to wash him and the pain off me. I did feel better and wrapped myself thoroughly into a large towel. I just sat on the end of the bed a moment. Holding the towel to me, just taking a small simple pleasure from being clean, covered and alone.   
I don't know how long I was sitting there. But then I heard the door again and my throat tightened. I froze and carefully looked to the door. I exhaled hard when I realised it was not the General. It was a man in uniform, like I had seen before bring me food and clothes. 

He also held a tray and what seemed to be clothing over his arm. He put the tray down on the table and looked around, scanning the room. He spotted me. I felt like vanishing into thin air. 

“Ah”, he said, “there you are, Miss. General Hux asked me to bring you breakfast and some fresh change of clothes.” He waved his arm with the clothing. I could not quite look at him. I choose to look a little past him. Then I did something that even took me completely by surprise. Holding the towel to me tightly I stood up, acknowledging the intense pain that went through me as I did. 

“I don't know if I'm alright”, I heard myself say and swallowed as through to swallow my own voice. 

The man blinked in surprise: “Pardon, Miss?”

I just stood there, clinging to the towel around me and stared past him: “I don't know if I'm alright.”

He shifted and but on a chipper expression; “Well, a warm breakfast might sort you out?”

“I'm in pain....and I am bleeding.”

His smile faded.

“I ...don't know if that's normal. I mean... I don't know. Normally blood and pain is a sign of something being broken,... isn't it?”

“Well....”, the man said awkwardly and looked down, “a...night of passion might...uh...leave some marks...?”

“I don't know that”, I said, speaking from the depth of my soul, “its inside me...I don't know if its alright”, I managed to look the man in the eyes finally, “the General wouldn't want me to be... broken inside...or dying...or something?”

The man shifted again and looked thoroughly unsure. Then he looked at me, rather seriously.

“I will have to seek approval before I can send a doctor.”

I looked down, I did not know if I wanted that. Perhaps I preferred to just be broken and see what happened to me by doing nothing. But it was too late. 

“I will do so immediately”, the man said. I looked up. He put the clothes over a chair and turned to leave. I wanted to call him back and tell him to forget about it and that I was probably going to be fine, but I hesitated and then he was gone. 

I was alone again. I decided to get dressed to at least attempt to feel less like an abused whore. I put on the grey body suit and did instantly feel a bit better. I forced myself to eat some of the food while it was warm. I did not feel hungry, but I felt achy and exhausted and I knew I would need my strength back for what ever was going to happen next. Then I moved over to the window and leaned against the cool glass, watching the ice sparkle outside. 

Then I heard the door again. I looked over and once more my breath got caught in my throat as I saw the General walk back in. He spotted me easily and moved directly towards me. I stood, moving back into the window, just wishing for the glass to give away and let me fall. He moved right up close towards me, his face set in a dark but seemingly calm expression. 

He stopped right in front of me and looked me over quickly. 

“I hear you are unwell?”, he said quietly but darkly. 

I could not look at him and just stared at his shoulder. 

“I... I just... I don't know if I'm alright. I thought.... wouldn't you want me to say if I thought something might be wrong?”

He took a slow, half irritated, half concerned breath: “What is the matter?”

“I'm.... I'm bleeding and... it's... it's just really painful. I don't know if that's normal...it doesn't feel normal. But I don't know...maybe it's normal?”

He didn't reply for a long moment, then he suddenly leaned in even closer and hissed: “You liked it!”, I shrunk away a little, wincing, “I felt your innocent, little body beg for my attention. Don't lie. When I touched you, you could not get enough and it did not take much at all for your pussy to come in my hand and in my mouth. You were soaking wet when I took you. Don't you tell me that I broke you!”

“I'm not!”, I cried utterly ashamed and scared, “I'm not!”, I shouted again, keeping my eyes squeezed shut to not have to face him, “I'm just saying I'm in pain and I am bleeding and I don't know if that's normal! I thought you would want me to say! I thought you would want me to look after myself. I thought you liked me.....you would want me to say if something is wrong.”

It was quiet again. I did not dare look at him. I could feel him take a small step back. I opened my eyes carefully. He seemed to compose himself again.

“I will have you taken back to your quarters. And I will send a physician to come and assess you”, he said rather formally now. He hesitated a moment, then he simply turned and left the apartment. 

I let myself lean back into the cool window for support. I could feel my heart hammering in my chest. I tried to force myself to take a few deep breaths to help it slow down. Not long after that the uniformed man was back and escorted me back to my quarters. It was strange to think of it as mine, but in a way, after what had happened, it felt much more like my space than it had done before. If there was any chance for a tiny bit of privacy on this rock. It was there it seemed.

Back in my quarters everything was how I had left it. But I was not the same. It was strange to think of what thoughts I had when I left this room. How I still had something to protect, how I still thought that maybe if I play it right I could avoid any further sexual advances from the General. How fast things could change... That quest I had, to keep my virtue save and to fool myself into believing that the General did not have a sexual interest in me, had come to a quick violent end and was now lost. I looked around the familiar room, just feeling so used and violated. A rush of anger came over me. How dare he? Who did he think he was, that he would do that to a person who had done nothing to him? What gave him the right to just take what he wanted from me like that? He dressed me up, loosened me up with alcohol and then raped me. Who thinks that that is an okay thing to do to anyone? Especially someone you think has the galaxy inside them, what ever that meant. -A power mad, cruel, raping lunatic is who. Why was I even surprised? I should have seen it coming. Just how in denial and how naive had I been to go along with that? I really had made it easy for him. Gods, not only easy, I had enjoyed some of it. I suddenly felt painfully ashamed and disgusted with myself. He was right, I had been a total whore. I had encouraged him. It wasn't even rape really. People who got raped did not enjoy being kissed and touched. People who got raped did not get aroused and they did surely not climax. And it seemed that that was exactly what had happened. He made me come, for the first time in my life I experienced an orgasm...twice, thanks to my rapist. This was not what happens. I was bad. It was the only explanation for what had happened. 

My thoughts where disrupted when the door opened again and a man in a white uniform and with a white small case walked in. 

“Good morning, Miss. I'm Dr. Malden. I am told you are experiencing some post-coital pain and bleeding?”

I felt rather unprepared. I clutched my chest in an attempt to focus myself. 

“Uhh, y...yes, that's correct. That's...probably not uncommon? ...Right? ...I mean, it was my first time...so...uhm....”, I looked down, trying to avoid his face, utterly embarrassed. 

“Well, yes”, he said, “ it is not uncommon. Likely it is nothing to worry about. ...But General Hux told me you were alarmed by it and in considerable discomfort and he thought it best to be cautious and I agree. … Shall we have a look?”

“Uhh”, I frowned, keeping looking at the floor, feeling trapped. Yes I had wanted medical attention. Now though, I felt I could not cope with any more exposure or invasion. 

“Why don't you get comfortable on the bed? Don't worry. It will be fine”, he said reassuringly. I took a deep breath, and feeling sick to my stomach I went over to the bed and lay down. The doctor turned his back on me. 

“Please undress”, he said formally. 

I undid my trousers, pulled them off and grabbed a thin blanket from the bed to cover myself up. I took another deep breath: “Ok,”

The doctor turned back around to me and put his medic case on the bed beside me. He opened it and pulled out a pair of white gloves and put them on. I watched him uneasily. 

He sat down on the bed and looked at me. 

“Ready?”, he asked. I only shrugged, wearily. He took that as a yes and moved the blanket up my legs. I turned my head away and fixed my gaze at the wall. I could feel his rubber gloved hands on me. He was prodding lightly. I tried to relax and keep breathing deeply. 

“I will have to do an internal examination”, he said and I could feel one hand on my lower stomach and his other hand starting to prod deeper. I hissed at the discomfort of his finger on my bruised sensitive inner walls. 

“It's painful, doctor” I said, “is there something wrong?”

The doctor did not reply for a moment as he kept prodding me. 

“All seems normal”, he finished his examination and stood up, pulling his gloves off. He looked at me, “you are experiencing pain and some bleeding from minor cuts and irritation. This can happen. It will heal on it's own. I can give you something for the pain. And I recommend you delay any further intercourse until you have fully healed. All should be well again in a few days or so. Nothing to worry about.”

I let go of a long exhale, half relieved that I was not severely broken, half worried about many many more things. Would the General be angry about the fact that I had asked for a doctor when I was not that badly hurt? Would he respect the doctors advice about not doing this to me again any time soon? 

“Will you tell him that?”, I asked. The doctor nodded. “Of course.”

“How....how will he react?”, I asked carefully. The doctor frowned and looked thoughtful as he closed his bag, then he looked back at me, “I'm sure he will be glad you are not seriously hurt.” I smirked sarcastically, I highly doubted that. After all he had not seemed too concerned to do this to me in the first place. And had he been bothered about beating me up before that? No. Did this doctor know him at all? Or was he just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. 

The doctor left me with a set of painkillers and left. I got dressed as fast as I could and stayed down, feeling the aggravated pain from the exam. I did not want the painkillers. I wanted to feel what was going on in my body. After all, I kind of deserved it. 

Soon there was another visitor. One of the uniformed men was back with lunch. He placed the tray on the table but did not leave. I had ignored him. But then he called: “Miss?” I looked up wearily.

“What now?”, I asked. 

He was holding something small in his hand. I frowned, trying to make out what it was but it was too small to see from where I was. “What?”, I asked. 

“I have orders from General Hux to make sure you take it.”

I stood up slowly: “Take what?”. I carefully walked a little closer. He appeared to have a tablet in his hand. 

“Contraceptive, Miss.”

I froze on the spot. I had not even thought about that. While I was sitting there preoccupied with my violation it had not crossed my mind that there may be life forming inside me from this night of horror. I walked up to the man and took the tablet and swallowed it fast, without taking my clearly horrified eyes off him. 

“I need to make sure”, he said. I opened my mouth to show, I really had no problem with taking this tablet. I turned my back on the man and walked back to my bed. 

“Leave now”, I said firmly and to my surprise the man listened to my command and left.


	13. Gratitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thoroughly enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it too!

Alone for a while, the news that I was not seriously hurt started to sink in. The pain and the blood had been so alarming and now I had confirmation from a doctor that it was nothing serious and that it was just going to heal. I found myself taking some slow deep breaths. The pain got much easier to cope with now. In fact it hardly bothered me now, knowing it was not serious. I felt a little embarrassed to have caused such drama over nothing. I was wondering how the General may react to hearing that I was basically fine and he had arranged a medical assessment for nothing. This thought made me a little uneasy. It felt much more likely that he might be annoyed about that rather than relieved that I was okay. Feeling things shifting around in me I sat on the bed, overcome with extreme tiredness. I looked over to the tray of lunch, but it felt suddenly impossible to get to it. I let myself drop back onto the bed and pulled the blanket over me, hiding as completely as I could. Witnessing many different sensations and feelings come and go, from a sudden nausea, back to pain and discomfort, to deep embarrassment and shame, feeling dirty and angry back to total exhaustion, I eventually fell asleep. I did not hear dinner being brought, but when I woke up the trays had been exchanged. Wrapping the blanket around me I dragged myself to the table to inspect the food. It was some kind of hot mash that looked nutritious enough. I tried a few bites, but did not feel like eating. I wandered off again to the window and looked out, keeping the blanket tightly around me. Feeling shivery I decided to take a hot shower again. This was a good idea. I took my time, imagining I could burn the attack off me, with the heat of the water. I finally felt warm and a little more clean, still seeking some past kind of purity that I could never get back. 

I got dressed and walked back into the room and froze. A lump formed in my throat and my blood stopped in my arteries. The General was sitting at the table, leaning back into the chair lightly with one arm resting on the table near my half eaten dinner. He was very still, looking at me with that pale face set in what I interpreted as a displeased expression. I didn't move either and stayed fixed were I was when I had spotted him. Then he stood up slowly and walked towards me. I resisted the urge to move backwards. I did not want to create a situation where he was chasing me. He stopped about two steps away from me, his eyes unsettlingly calm and dark, fixed on mine. 

“The doctor tells me you will be fine”, he eventually said, still watching me. 

I shifted slightly and looked down to gather myself. I looked back up at him ready to reply, but he continued:

“I obviously... was a bit rough with you last night. It is ...hard for me to imagine what it must be like...”, he shifted, clearly not comfortable with imagining what ever it was, “It was your first time and I got carried away”, he finished, watching me somewhat expectantly. 

Of all the things I had considered to expect from him, this was not one of them. I did not now what to say. I felt an almost natural urge to accept his apology and to tell him that it was okay. But at the same time this felt crazy. He was keeping me here against my will. He forced me to sleep with him. He didn't seem to think any of that was worth apologising for, never mind getting too violent in the way he forced himself on me, if that was even a thing. I looked down struggling for words. I could feel my heart starting to race harder as silence grew. Then he spoke again. His voice sounded darker, quieter, threatening:

“Stop behaving like a damn victim.” 

I looked up, adrenaline rushing through me. His face seemed to have gotten paler and colder. How easily he could change from apology to threat. 

“What do you want me to do?”, I gasped shakily, barely with any voice being able to get past my throat. 

“Show some gratitude”, he hissed and stepped forward, “I am somebody. I am a busy man, taking charge of the galaxy and I have been making sure you are well looked after and I have gone out of my way to make you feel special. I deserve some respect and gratitude.”

I felt frozen to the spot with fear.  
“I...I'm sorry. ...You're right”, I stammered quickly in a desperate attempt to soothe him before he got any more worked up, “thank you....Sir...General.”

He slowly kept coming towards me. With the bed not far behind me I felt unable to move backwards. I stood ridged, carefully watching him come closer until he stood so close before me I could smell his scent and feel the heat from his body. Frozen to the spot I expected to get hit or chocked any moment. But instead he moved his right hand up to my cheek and softly touched the side of my face. He leaned down to my left ear and whispered:

“You still want to go home, don't you? ...I'm not stupid.” 

Again I was at a loss for words and too terrified to speak. A part of me shouted inside me to put on a better act, to do what ever it took to convince him that I wanted to be here with him. Surely that was the most pain-free way out of this situation. But my body did not want to listen. All I could force it to do was to sink on its knees. It felt like the safest move. I stayed silent on my knees, breathing fast, staring at his black leather boots. He did not move or speak a moment. Then I heard something above me. I looked up carefully and saw that he was slowly unfastening his uniform jacket and his trousers. His eyes completely fixed on me, he reached into his pants. I was not stupid either. I may have been inexperienced, but even I knew what he had in mind. He pulled his cock out of his opened pants and slowly moved his hand up and down the shaft. I looked at it. I realised that all of last night I had managed to not have to see the instrument of my rape. Not only that, it was the first time I saw male genitals in front of me. It was bazaar to have felt it so intimately without ever seeing it. I was glad I had not had to face it last night. It was so strange to see it in front of me. A real body part that I did not have. It was so alien, ...and so hard to look away knowing where it had been and how much pain it could cause. I looked back up at him carefully. Yes I had a pretty good idea what he would want next, I had no idea how to do that to his liking, never having doing that before. As I looked up at him I was still hoping I might be mistaken, and then again I could not help thinking what else he might want. Would he respect the doctor's advice and let me heal or would he rape me again. A little faint I caught his cold eyes still fixed down on me. 

“Open your mouth”, he breathed quietly and with complete authority, eyes piercing down at me. I parted my lips slowly. This was going to happen. It was in my own interest to do this well so he would be pleased with me and it would be over quickly. I wet my lips. 

“Show me your tongue”, he whispered. I obeyed. He slowly reached out with his free hand and gently, yet surely cradled the back of my head and moved my head closer. He lay the tip of his cock on my wet tongue and brushed it slightly side to side, watching. I watched his face carefully. He seemed mesmerised by what he was doing. 

“Close your lips around it.” 

I did as I was told, closing my eyes to focus on this new experience. His hand, at the back of my head, pushed me slowly further onto his cock. It was filling my mouth deeper. A breath escaped him. His hand tightened on my hair at the back of my head and he pulled me back slowly to push me onto him again. I tried to relax my neck and let him move me. keeping my lips tightly closed around him, and my tongue rough against his shaft as he moved me over him. 

“Good”, he breathed, “show me gratitude.”

I flickered my eyes up at him. He was still staring down at me, his eyes had gotten darker, his lips were parted and his chest was rising and falling slowly under his deepening breaths. I could feel him harden and swell in my mouth. His face seemed to tense a little and his fist tightened in my hair. He began to thrust his cock in and out of my mouth, keeping me still. I closed my eyes again to focus, as he started to push himself in deeper, making me start to struggle not not gag. 

“Keep your lips tight around me”, he hissed and started to fuck my mouth harder. As his cock hit the back of my throat I could not contain it and gagged, coughing and pulling away from him. I gasped for air but I did not get much time to do so. He slapped my cheek and painfully pulled my head back close to him. 

“Breath”, he ordered.

“I took fast deep breaths as though it was my last chance. My eyes flickered up at him, looking for mercy, but I was not surprised to see non.

“Open”, he ordered. I obeyed. He just watched me a few seconds, perhaps enjoying my submission and obedience while he continued to stroke his hard cock. 

“Go on”, he said, lightly pushing my head back towards him. I obeyed and enveloped his cock with my mouth once again. He held my head in place and began to fuck my mouth again slowly but deeply. He slowly forced himself in as far as he could before I started to struggle. I began to gag and tried to pull away, but he held me tightly in place and watched me struggle to breath a long moment before slowly releasing me and pulling out. He repeated that a few times, toying with my need to breath. I endured as best as I could, beginning to just focus on any second in which I could steal a breath and hoping he would be done soon. Eventually he pulled out of me again. He kept holding me tightly by my hair. I panted for breath and watched him stroke his cock. I was preparing for his next invasion of my mouth. But it did not come. Instead he moved his hand over his cock faster. I watched. It was so big and hard I was glad I had not seen that before he raped me with it. I would have been terrified. In fact as the thought crossed my mind that he was likely going to rape me again with it I blinked and looked up at him quickly to distract my thoughts. He was staring down at me, now breathing fast. His eyes emptied of anything but sexual need. His grip on my hair hardened as he exhaled tightly with a gasp and shot his hot seed across my cheek and jaw. I closed my eyes and tried to move away in reflex but he seemed to have anticipated this and held me painfully tightly in place. He groaned and shot more cum over my chest. I stayed still. I listened to his breathing, still catching up with my own. His breathing calmed slowly until I could hardly hear it anymore. I could hear him shift slightly and take another slow deep breath. 

“Look at me", he whispered still somewhat breathlessly. He slowly loosened his grip on the back of my head and lifted my chin to look up at him. His thump brushed over my swollen lips. I looked back at him, his pale face slightly flushed. 

“You are with me. You may not understand what that means yet, but it means something. You are loyal to me, I can give you everything. The First Order owns everything. I soon will be the ruler of the galaxy and when that happens you can be part of that. ...I am offering you to be by my side when I take control of the chaos...”

I listened, trying not to give him any expression he could interpret as a rejection or disapproval of his madness. 

“...And I ….strongly... advice you to consider that. Because you see, there is no planet, no tiny corner in this vast universe that we will not control. No matter how much you resist, no matter where you think you can run and hide from me, you are mine now and you mean a lot to me. I won't cast you aside, ...you are too precious. So...”, he let go of my jaw and straightened up a little. He took another slow, deep breath, his dark eyes still set down at me as he tugged his cock back into his trousers and fixed up his clothes. I remained carefully still, not breaking his eye contact either, “...you may want to consider how grand your life could become...and how ...radically...diminished. It is up to you.” There was a small twitch at the corner of his mouth as he considered me, marked with his cum. All straightened and buttoned up again he turned and simply walked away, leaving me alone in my room, kneeling, clammy and marked. I could not move. I started to feel how soar my knees had become. My mouth had gone very dry and raw. My lips were burning. I felt totally shamed and degraded. At the same time his quiet almost soft words where still ringing in my ears. What he had said made some kind of horrible sense to me.


	14. Strange Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all! Thanks to both your inspiring and encouraging comments/reviews I was keen to get back to the story as soon as possible after a bit of a roller coaster kind of week. This is only a short chapter, but I think it includes a bit of a turning point for the story and the next chapter is already in the making.

Scorching showers seemed to become the solution to all my troubles these days I thought, lying on the bed at night, after once again burning him off me with hot water. I could not sleep. What he had shared with me kept swirling around in my brain. I really was important to him it seemed. To be fair, there was no indication that this was a man who's word one could trust in any way. I doubted he could trust his own words even. And yet, I felt like I knew a little more about him and what he was doing with me. I may not think myself that special, but he did see something in me. Yes, he mistreated me and kept me prisoner. That was seemingly the only way he knew how to have something he really wanted. And what he wanted was more than some young athlete;s body to fuck a few times until the next new thrill appeared. He was a powerful man. In the First Order he was right at the top. Surely he could easily have women if he wanted them. He didn't need to kidnap me...unless me was who he wanted. Of course kidnapping me was easy enough. But he had told me he felt he was going out of his way to make me feel special. Really? Was that a trick? The way he had said it, it felt truthful. He was genuinely frustrated that he was not getting the respect or gratitude from me he felt he deserved for his efforts. Completely crazy of course, but that was how he saw it, how he felt it. What did this mean for me? I was of value to him. And that seemed saver than not being of value. I doubted he would just send me home if he got sick of me. I would be dead, or who knew what. In fact he expected me to be of value for him for a very long time. Telling me, I could be by his side when he took over the galaxy or what ever, seemed almost like a marriage proposal. He wanted me to be his mate, his woman, not just some random fuck toy. He wanted me by his side, he had said. I suddenly pictured myself all glamours, the kept woman of a powerful man, the one that would hold on to his arm at important parties, make him look good at press conferences and watch him adoringly as he speaks and other women would wish they were me. I started laughing at this very odd fantasy. 

That seemed to be what he was offering. I was sure some fanatic mad women, who worked for the First Order would kill to hear that offer. It was not the life I had dreamed off. That was so not me. And yet... and yet... he had made sense. Because what choices did I have? I could be his captive and keep pissing him off by being timid and rejecting him....behaving like a victim, get raped and beaten and locked up. Or ….maybe I could ….be by his side, be someone he treasured, someone who would benefit from his power, rather than suffer under it. Was that really a possibility, or was that just his madness talking? And were these my only chances or was there any other option, apart from just being chocked to death by him for not obeying him? Was there any chance of escape? And even if there was a chance of escape at some point, did it hurt to make my life easier in the mean time? Giving into him did not mean I could not make a run for it when the chances looked good. In actual fact, if I could gain his trust he might let me out of this prison. Chances for escape might increase if he saw me less as an unwilling prisoner and more as someone he could trust, the woman at his side. If I was to do this, though, I had to get better at deceiving him. I would have to indeed stop being such a damn victim. I had to swallow my fear of him and become his equal. Was that possible? He had trained me well in the early days of my captivity to be submissive and do and say what ever he wanted. I would have to play this very carefully. I could not simply empower myself, I had to do it by grooming him. He wanted my gratitude, my respect, my love. If I could give him what he wanted ….perhaps that would give me power over him. I had to stop thinking so little of myself. He was infatuated with his silver, exotic performer. All he wanted was her to be his loving, adoring woman. If I could face that.... maybe things could change. Or could they? He was a mass murderer, a power crazy mad man, how ...good....could a relationship with him even be? ...Probably better than now, I acknowledged. I just would have to be so careful. It had to be believable. I could not allow for him be become suspicious. And I had to make sure I did not overstep any invisible rules that would make him angry with me. I had to keep up an adoration for him at all times, make him believe that I wanted him. I had to be subtle and give myself time for this change. He would not believe it, if I suddenly changed. But then there was still a nagging question, was I able to do it? I'd have to convincingly demonstrate adoration and gratitude and all those things to him. I'd have to welcome his sexual advances, maybe even encourage them. But fact was that he had hurt me so many times in increasingly horrible ways. He wanted so much from me. He wanted things I had not even experienced with men I actually liked. Sexually I felt completely out of my depth with his demands. Could I do this? Maybe... maybe, if I played it right. Maybe there was something human to appeal to, if he saw me more as the woman he loved, and less than a prisoner he was abusing. Only time would tell. I was very unsure that I could handle it, and yet it felt too late to turn back.


	15. Cease Fire

I had made my plan. I did not know how it was going to look, how to do it and if it would work or be my death, but there was no turning back. The next morning I looked at myself in the mirror and sounded surprisingly like him when I said to myself:

“Stop behaving like a damn victim.” I slapped my hand against the mirror image of myself for a more effective pep talk. Then I emerged back into my apartment and decided to spend some time up in the air to try out the new me in the environment I felt the most confident. 

It did feel good, to swirl around in my hoop and trapeze, to be high up and upside down and to move. I felt my power and strength for the fist time in a long time. I felt a sense of purpose and direction. It was good to have a plan. I was left in peace all morning...all afternoon and the entire rest of the day, apart from the food that was being brought. I ignored them and remained in the air. I ate everything once they were gone to keep my strength and health up. The next day was no different to the one before. When dinner arrived however, I felt it was time to act, to make a start. I could not allow myself to be passive and hope to not have to deal with him. I had to get used to seeking his presence. I had to make him believe that I wanted him the way he wanted me. And now was saver than later. I took a hunch that he was respectful of the doctor's advice. So if I could seek his presents now it was less likely going to end in rape again, than if I did it once the week had passed. I jumped off my hoop as the man who had delivered dinner was about to leave. 

“Hey”, I said authoritatively. I was not in fear of these servants.   
He looked back at me startled and stopped: “Yes?..Miss?”

“Could you deliver a message to General Hux?”  
He blinked slightly uncomfortably and said: “I suppose?”

I took a slow breath to gather the strength to say it: “I hope he is going to come by this evening. I ...think...I am lonely...I have not seen him and ...I thought about ...what he said to me.... Can you tell him that?”

The guard looked a little startled, then nodded and turned to leave. I stopped him just before he left. There was something else I thought might be useful to ask.

“Wait”, I said. He stopped again and looked back at me  
“Miss?”  
I paused: “Does he...have a lot of girlfriends, the General?”  
The guard raised both eyebrows and blinked several times in surprise at my question.

“Erh...I...I don't think I could say, Miss.” 

Disappointed I nodded: “Alright. Thank you.”

He left and I waited. From the moment the guard had left and the doors closed behind him I felt no longer able to return into my hoop. I stood frozen to the metal ground. I took a slow constricted breath. I had asked for the monster to return. I didn't like that this small first step of my new plan was causing me such terror. I'd have to toughen up a lot more, if this was going to have any chance of working. 

“Come on!”, I shouted at myself and made fists. I started pacing to keep myself moving. I could not allow myself to get so frozen. 

I noticed the dinner and decided to eat it quickly. I did not feel like it at all. In fact my stomach felt completely knotted. But I needed strength and if this was going to go wrong I might never eat again. 

Then, what seemed like an eternity later I heard that dreaded slide of the door. I felt cold as ice and at the same time my heart made a little excited jump. It was the General. It had worked. I had asked for him and he had come. He walked in slowly. His hands behind his back. He spotted me and looked me up and down a little suspiciously. I bit my inner lip hard and forced myself to walk a few steps towards him. 

“General. Thank you.”

He tilted his head slightly as he walked over to me: “For...?”

“Coming.... You didn't have to. ...And you did.”

He came to a hold in front of me and looked my face over carefully. I forced myself not to blink, but to just look back at him. 

“You look different”, he said, there was distrust in his voice.   
I tilted my head as though surprised: “I do?”  
He nodded, sobering with a worrying air of darkness about him: “Yes.”  
I raised my chin: “Well...maybe because I have been thinking about what you said to me.”  
His face was very still and alert, just looking at me. 

“I...”, I started and felt my plan change a little, looking at his face this moment, I saw incredible vulnerability, humanity, very young, very defensive, very angry. So suppressed and contained in this military, cold demeanour. There was a person in this soldier, it was worth a try..., “I... would like to talk with you.... if you agree.” 

He frowned, still looking at me as though he could smell that I was up to something, struggling with whether to allow it to go any further or not, and we had not even started. I took a slow deep breath to calm my own nerves. 

“General, please”, I said as gently and carefully as I could. I knew this could go either way. But he had to take chances too, if he wanted my attitude towards him to change. He had to realise that. And it seemed that he did. He nodded, reluctantly never taking his eyes off me, he gestured me over to the sofa. As I followed him I felt like I was settling down to negotiate some kind of cease fire.   
We sat down next to each other on the sofa. He was looking at me expectantly and cautiously. 

My eyes fell momentarily on his crotch, lots of thoughts getting in the way of the task at hand. To my terrible embarrassment I realised that he had noticed. He shifted. So did I. 

“Uhh”, I started, flushing terribly, trying hard to focus myself, “I....” to my horror it had completely wiped my brain of the thoughts I had had about what to say to him. I closed my eyes, struggling to get back on track, “I.., I thought about what you said. I... I want you to know that... all of this is... so ...alien..to me. “, I looked down, “I had never been with a man, before you. I... guess I...would like to know you better.” I looked at him carefully, ready to flinch if he was going to lash out. He looked back at me, his eyes searching mine. Then he said quietly:

“You have a lot further to go still.” 

I didn't really know what this meant, but it was not what I had expected. In a moment of instinctive daringness my eyes fell on his thigh next to me. I slowly reached out and put my hand gently on it, feeling the black, silky fabric and the warmth underneath. He slowly looked down at my touch. 

“I guess I have time”, I said, keeping my eyes on my hand on his leg, hardly able to believe that I was touching him. Then I noticed that he was carefully studying my face again. I looked up at him, allowing him. trying to be open to his search of my soul. I slowly moved my hand away from him: “I hope you can be a little patient too.”

He blinked and looked down. Perhaps I hit a nerve. I felt myself tense slightly in apprehension, watching him carefully. 

He stood up, looking down at me. I felt myself freeze again and quickly stood up too. I was not going to be the victim anymore and I heard myself say it to my own horror. 

“You told me to stop behave like a victim, Sir. I am meaning to obey.” 

He looked conflicted, almost unsure about how to react. I watched him carefully, my heart clenched as he set his icy, piercing eyes back on me.

“Do you?” He did not wait for an answer. He turned and walked away from me to the door. I did not know what to do. Perhaps it was best to leave it for now. I was not sure what was going on with him and if this was a success of some kind or the opposite, but my instinct told me not to push it and to let him go.


	16. Bastards

Nothing happened over the next two days. I was not sure what to do. I had made the big step to ask for him once and I was not sure if it had been a good idea or not. Now, my time of relative safety of being raped again was running out and I did not know if I should try to ask for him again or just wait for what ever was going to happen to me next. It had felt good to have a plan, to feel like there was something I could actively do. The plan had not changed, yet I did not know what the next step was. Suddenly one afternoon the doors opened while I was swaying in my hoop and the General stormed in. He looked thoroughly dishevelled, which struck me as very unusual. He only slowed down when he had reached the centre of the room. It seemed like it took him a moment to get his emotions under control. I was amazed and somewhat unsettled to see him genuinely upset. He was furious, I had seen that before, but this was different, he was upset, worried. For a moment I was wondering if he was almost crying. He was not, but he looked surprisingly close to tears. I felt my grip tightening on my hoop and forced myself to let go. I slid down to the ground and stood a moment, watching him, keeping careful distance. I did not want to draw attention to myself and yet I forced myself to use this as an opportunity. He had chosen to come to me for a reason. I could not escape him. I might as well speak and follow my plan.

“What's the matter?”, I asked gently and carefully. He looked at me as though he could kill me with his eyes, his gloved hand forming a fist. I could not help but gasp quietly and move backwards a little. He looked away from me at the window of the snowy landscape outside, unclenching his hand and grabbing a bunch of his own hair, pulling it. He was breathing fast. I had never seen him like this. I did not know he could be like this. He looked equally raging and fearful. I forced myself to step a little closer, slowly, ready to retreat again if he made as much as a move towards me. But this did not seem to be about me. He kept staring out the window. I stopped when I was an arm length away from him. He did not acknowledge me, but he must have known I was there. I waiting a moment, then I very slowly forced myself to reach out. Wincing with the expectation of a possible, very physical backlash I carefully and lightly put my hand on his back. 

He instantly spun around to me as though I had burned him. I backed off fast, watching him carefully. But he did not make a move towards me. He stared at me though, like a wounded, feral wolf, hurt and ready to defend himself to the bone. My hand was still up as I stepped back, willing him to not attack me. 

“What's wrong?”, I whispered, not managing to speak up. I was genuinely concerned, not just of his unpredictable mood but about what caused it. As much suffering as he caused me, I believed that I depended on him too. I was sure that no one else on this planet was interested whether I lived or died. 

He turned away again to stare at the outside. 

“That....bastard....one day...I...”, he muttered, his voice shacking. I frowned, who could possibly put the General in such a state? I was surprised to realise I did not like it. I actually preferred when he was in control. This was worrying. 

“Can I help?”, I whispered. He spun his head back around at me again.

“I doubt that!”, he snapped. 

I looked down a moment then looked up again and dared to ask as quietly as a breath:

“Then why are you here?” He turned around and charged at me, I backed away quickly. 

“I can be where I want! This is MY planet. It is MY weapon! It is my achievement!” 

I nodded quickly, keeping backing away. 

“I'm sorry! Of course!”

He slowed down and stopped. He looked at me. Suddenly I had an idea. I turned away and reached for my hoop that was hanging from the high ceiling. I easily pulled myself up and smoothly climbed up into it. I looked down at him. Up here, as ever I felt saver, more confident. I took off my body fitted jumper and started to spin and slink in and out of the metal hoop. Just wearing my bra and trousers. He was watching me. I paused, balancing on the top of the hoop and took my trousers down, continuing moving in my underwear. I had often performed in outfits that where not covering up much more than this, so it did not feel unusual. Yet I was aware of the fact that I was taking a risk. I was not going to take off anymore than that if I could help it. I continued moving, making an effort to impress him with my skill, while not being too sexy,just enough to hopefully please him. He was silent, standing where he stood and watching me. When I stopped again, several minutes later and looked down at him. I thought I could see that vulnerability I had seen the other day, that young, hurt man. He seemed calmer now, his attention still on me, perhaps somewhat in awe? Could that be? I grew still, sitting in my slowly swaying hoop and looked down at him. He seemed to be taking a very deep breath. He brushed his hair back with his gloved hand, seemingly suddenly aware of his dishevelled appearance. He looked away from me again to the window and stepped towards it once more, overlooking the ice. I could see him straighten himself up and slowly assuming a more formal stance again, his hands folding behind his back after some more strokes through his hair, willing it to stay out of his face as he was used to. I observed him carefully. My little performance seemed to have calmed him down, but I did not know what this meant or if I could trust it. Now I could not see his face, however from what I could see of him he began to look a lot more as usual, which was not necessarily a good thing for me, yet it was certainly more familiar. 

I decided to just be. I had done something that seemed to have a positive effect. I decided less was more. I allowed myself to just rest against my metal hoop and continue to softly swing and to be in his presence ...far above the ground, where I felt just that little bit more save than on the ground. I kept my eyes on him, watching his back, watching him look out the window, watching his stance. When had he learned to stand like that? What did he stand like before he had been conditioned into this soldier behaviour? That vulnerable boy I had seen earlier inside him, who was he? And what had he experienced to become this man? I surprised myself to admit, I felt some kind of curiosity and compassion. No one was born a psychopath, rapist and mass murderer. 

Nothing seemed to be happening for a long time. It felt somewhat special to be in his presence for this long, without being the subject of his abuse. He was here. He had not given me an answer to my question why, but he had chosen to come here when he was upset. Had he planned to make him self feel better by taking his frustrations out on me? If he had, he had clearly changed his mind. Maybe I had done something right. He liked watching me. My performance was what had originally made him interested in me. It was something I had that he admired. And he was still here. He choose to be in my presence. He could have looked out the window for a much better view in his own chambers. He choose to be here with me and yet, he was ignoring me. This was new. 

Eventually he turned back around to me. I could still see that he had been deeply shaken, but he was doing his best to dismiss this in him.

“I will have to leave the Starkiller base for a mission. I wish for you to come with me. My men will come to help you gather what you need to have with you.” He simply turned and left. I watched him. My mouth open in surprise.


	17. Finalizer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe I should put a disclaimer at the beginning of this chapter: It includes a corporal punishment scene, in case that puts anyone off. -  
> I didn't expect something like that to show up in this story, but what can I say, my characters surprised me. ;)

I barely had time to adapt my mind to this new development. Guards appeared the same evening and collected some of the clothes and bits and pieces I had accumulated over the past weeks or how ever long I had been here now. They mainly ignored me. But one of them addressed me before he left:

“Anything else you need to take with you to the Finalizer?”

I blinked: “I have no idea. What's the Finalizer?”

He shifted: “The General informed you of his decision for you to accompany him?”

“He did... I guess. ...He didn't exactly share a lot of detail about this... mission he is taking me on. What is the Finalizer?”

“It's a ship”, he said simply then he added, “You won't be able to take a lot with you.” He looked at my aerial equipment. I looked around to see and my heart sank. I just had decided to draw the strength I so desperately needed from it. Now I was going to go on some mission on a ship, without it. I sighed: “I don't know what else I could need. I don't have a clue what I am getting into.” 

I thought I saw the guard giving me a look of pity. But then he turned around and left. 

I stayed behind in my room. So strange to think that this had become MY room and that I was reluctant to leave. Then again, it was just familiar, which counted for a lot these days. 

Hours later two storm troopers arrived. I felt myself tense, but told myself that this was possibly all part of the unfamiliarity I was about to encounter as part of going onto this ship. Then, rather suddenly as they approached me a flash of fear struck me. What if he had lied to me? What if the General was upset, because he had to get rid of me for some reason. Maybe he only told me I would go on a mission with him but in reality he had me taken away and killed? My mouth went dry and I was desperately trying to think of a way to escape that was not completely hopeless. The troopers reached me and handcuffed me. This did not feel right. 

“Where are you taking me?”, I asked shaking and remaining frozen to the spot where I stood. 

“The Finalizer”, one of them replied. What if the Finalizer was just some ...code word for my execution? It was fitted well enough. What if this just meant they were to finalise me? They tried to guide me forwards but I did not move. One of them took my arm firmly and pulled me forward. 

“Are you going to kill me?! Tell me!”, I shouted. 

“Don't get hysterical”, he said and pulled me harder. The other one now grabbed my other arm. I could no longer resist them. 

“Tell me!! What is happening?!” 

One of them pressed his gloved hand over my mouth which only made me struggle more. 

As we got to the door of the apartment they stopped. 

“Why are you kicking off?!”, he shouted through his helmet mask. I was freaking out, suddenly convinced they where going to kill me, fighting as hard as I could. They pushed me onto the ground and held me down. Then I felt a sharp stab in my shoulder. I felt pins and needles spreading inside me. It went very cold and then I knew nothing. 

I regained consciousness on a firm bed in a dimly lid room. As I carefully tried to move I realised that my left arm was still handcuffed, but to a mental bar on the wall above the bed. My brain felt heavy and fuzzy and my vision was blurry. I became aware of a very low humming and vibration and there seemed to be a window too. But it was dark outside. I drifted in and out of consciousness, just about aware enough to acknowledge that I was still alive. I remained like this for what seemed to be a long time. My head began to clear more and I became more aware of my left arm being desperate to change position, but unable to, still handcuffed to the wall above my head. I moved myself around a bit to allow my arm to be more comfortable. As time went on I became desperate for anything to happen. I was very thirsty, I was fed up with being chained to the wall. 

After what seemed many hours a narrow door slid open. I sat up as best I could. It was the General. It was an odd feeling to be glad to see him. I looked at him expectantly. He was his old self again. Tidy, formal and his face not giving away anything he might be feeling or thinking. He was all business again. He walked over to me. I spotted the most tiny angry twitch in the corner of his mouth, then my ear was ringing with the impact of a hard slap. I instantly brought my free hand up to cool my cheek and check for damage. Carefully I looked up, ready to duck any further attack as best as possible. He looked down at me coldly. 

“What were you thinking?”

I blinked confused, still busy assessing my stinging face.

“Be grateful I did not throw you out an air lock when I heard about your behaviour. I certainly felt like it.”

I closed my eyes trying to make sense of what he was saying.

“What?” 

“Look at me”, he ordered and slapped that same cheek again hard. I gasped and struggled to do as I was told quickly, holding my cheek. 

“I'm sorry. I don't understand. Please....”

“Your performance with my men that escorted you! ...Making me look like an idiot! I honour you to accompany me on business. I get my men to escort you and you act all hysterical like it is the worst thing anyone has ever offered you. No one gets to embarrass me the way you have!” 

“I...”, confused I took the information in. My view fell on the window. It was dark...because it was nothing but space outside. My brain began to catch up with me. He had not lied. No one had planned to kill me. And now, the General was angry with my portrayal of unwillingness to be with him. Suddenly all this progress I thought I had made with him was undone again, and worse. 

I shook my head: “I don't... It was a misunderstanding. I thought....”

“What? What did you think exactly?”, he did not let me speak, “Your disrespect and ungratefulness is now not just obvious to me but to my men. I will not be made a fool off by you.”

I shook my head desperately trying to turn this around: “I didn't...!

“Be quiet.”

“Please let me explain...!” He hit me again. 

“I told you to be quiet. ...I have been too lenient with you. You be glad that I like you enough to be bothered to teach you respect and obedience. I'm a busy man. I should just get rid of you.” I looked up very carefully, holding my face. He shook his head, seemingly disapproving of himself, his ice blue, cold eyes piercing through me as he slowly took off his uniform jacket belt. 

I didn't dare to speak louder than a whisper: “It was a misunderstanding. General..Sir, please let me explain.” 

His mouth twisted as he slowly shook his head again: “No explanations. No excuses. No lies to attempt to wrap me around your little finger.” 

“But it was... just...a misunderstanding. I didn't mean...”

“But you did”, he interrupted me in that quiet dark voice, “I will not excuse that. Turn around and get on your hands and knees.” 

Confused I reluctantly did what he seemed to ask for. I turned to face away from him, kneeling on the side of the bed, my left wrist close to the wall where I could still weight bear on my hand while chained to the wall. My mind was trying to process fast. The fact that he had taken off his belt had not gone unnoticed by me. I had never in my life experienced anything close to a beating apart from what I had received from him before. I wondered if he was going to do what I thought he was going to do. My mind was so busy with flushes of embarrassment, fear and confusion. 

“Pull down your pants” he ordered.

My breath stopped. Part of me refused to have heard this. I slowly looked back at him. He was still staring down at me coldly, more calm than he had appeared before. His eyes were stabbing into me. I could tell the rage was still inside him, well kept under his formal appearance. 

“You heard me. Do as I say.... now.”

I took a hard breath and moved back onto my knees to unfasten my trousers with my free hand. I could feel my face flushing and my ears beginning to ring again, this time with blood rushing through me at a faster speed. He was very good at making me feel that I had absolutely no other choice but to obey if I wanted to survive. I pulled my trousers and pants down to my knees and quickly moved back into position, horribly embarrassed. I didn't even understand why. He had seen me naked before. He had had his head between my naked thighs before. He had fucked me from behind and cum in my face. How could I still be embarrassed? But I was. I felt the cool air on my ass, making me so aware of my exposure in front of him. I was trying to work out if this was somehow worse than having been in bed with him, doing all those dirty things. The difference was, I figured, that I had been passive in all those things. Now he demanded that I expose myself to him and assume the position he wanted. And the difference was that this was not about sex. This was not about him, wanting me as a tool to satisfy his sexual deviance. This was about me, or so he wanted it to appear. This was about me being punished for what ever he felt I had done. My feeling so embarrassed and humiliated was probably even the point of this whole thing. I was ripped out of my thoughts when his belt suddenly struck surprisingly hard. I cried out in shock and moved forward with the strong instinct to get out of his reach. 

“Re-assume... your position”, he said almost breathless. I caught my own breath and tried to collect myself fast. This was no joke. I could feel it in his voice and in the way he hit me, this was serious. I moved myself back over my knees. My hands grabbing the bedding in a desperate attempt to prepare myself for the next blow. I did not have to wait long. I could barely hear it coming but the sound of the impact was harsh, leaving me with the feeling like it was ripping my skin away. I cried out hard but forced myself to not move much. He hit me again twice fast. I could not help falling onto my elbows, loosing my balance with the shock of the pain. 

“Re-assume...your position.... and don't make me tell you again.” I moved back once more, tears running down my face, feeling completely powerless. 3 more strikes followed, each one worse than the one before. 

“Please!”, I cried desperately, steeling myself not to move out of place much and yet unable to take more. He struck again.

“Please!!”, I cried harder. 

“Please what?”, he asked. I tried to gather my breath and thoughts. 

“Please....”, I whispered. It was all I could get out and dropped on my elbows again, covering my head. He struck me again twice. That was when I realised that I gave him even greater access to my backside this way, but I did not have the strength to get back up on my hands. My arms where shaking so hard when I tried I sank back down again, burying my face in the bedding. 

“Please...”, I repeated into the sheets. My ass was burning and aching so bad I did not want to know what it looked like. He beat me three more times. I cried exhausted into the bedding, my head covered in my hands. My whole body was shaking so bad now I could barely keep my hips above my knees. 

“The word is “thank you””, he said quietly, “not please. -Thank you.... unless you need more”, he added darkly. I listened, my brain too slow and my body in too much pain to understand. 

“Two choices”, he said darkly and calmly, “Please, Sir, I need you to punish me harder..... or....Thank you, Sir, for teaching me respect and obedience. … Your choice.”

I took a hard breath. Anything, anything that made this stop, I thought.

“Thank you, Sir, for teaching me respect and obedience”, I breathed into the bedding. 

“You are welcome”, he said darkly. I could hear him move behind me. I could hear him moving away from me. Then I heard the door sweep open and closed. I let myself collapse in an aching lump on the bed and cried hard.


	18. Raw Skin in Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has been a while. Major step up at work meant I have not had the luxury to dream about Hux much lately lol.   
> This weekend I am off however and alone at home, perfect time to get down and dirty with the General again... 
> 
> So after the humiliating events of the last chapter her attempts of gain his trust and affection are pretty much ruined, but it turns out she is not discouraged so easily... but I guess when you are back against the wall you'd try anything too... Hope you enjoy...;)

I had never experienced such pain and humiliation. I cried for a long time, riding out humiliation, desperation and then fury. Fury at myself for messing up and causing this, fury at him for being the way he was and treating me this way. Back to desperation at my situation and the loss of the tiny bit of power I thought I had. I struggled my trousers back up fast. At least I could pretend to myself this had not happened, ignoring the pain and covering up. I was sick of being chained to the wall. I was desperately thirsty. I hated this darkness, this small dark metal tin can I was riding in. Where was I even going? 

After what seemed ages the door opened again and the General came back. I sat up quick, trying to compose myself. I did not want him to know how much his “lesson” had got to me. He seemed his usual formal self. Like nothing had happened. He ignored me and slowly took off his uniform jacket.

“I'm really very thirsty..Sir”, I managed to say, fed up hoping he would offer me anything without me asking. He looked at me and walked over. I tensed slightly in anticipation of what might happen. He reached behind me and unlocked the cuff that had me tried to the wall. I moved away from him as soon as I was free. 

He motioned to a small door.  
“There is the bathroom. Go get cleaned up. Don't bother getting dressed after.” 

Feeling my throat tighten I moved over to where he had pointed and took a deep breath as the small door slid closed behind me. I took a moment just leaning against the wall and covering my face. Then I saw the sink and finally I was able to drink as much water as I needed. 

I leaned back into the wall again. This was too much. After what he had just done to me earlier, now he wanted sex? Was everything about pain with this man? Was there anything I could do to find a little bit of peace? I peeled off my clothes and moved under the shower. I hissed at the burn of the water on my backside. It seemed his belt had broken my skin in places. It felt very tender and sore. Once again I found myself bewildered. Never in my life I had foreseen that I would end up with a man who would beat me like that. I had heard of abusive relationships. I had heard of planets with different customs to most, where women where suppressed by men. I had heard stories of what happened to female members of the rebellion who where captured and tortured by the First Order. I had made an effort in my life to stay away from such things. I had not even wanted to perform in a place ruled by the First Order. I had made sure there was nothing that could possibly ever link me to politics on any side. And yet.... here I was, some kind of sex slave to a First Order General, beaten into submission to do what ever he wanted. Was I a fool to even think I could play him and gain power? I had made a very careful attempt to play this game with kind of interesting results. He had come to me when I asked for him. He had listened to me. Yes he was very suspicious, but he had listened. Maybe I simply had had not much of a chance yet, to pursue my plan further. These new events really had been a setback, but in one thing he was very right. I was lucky that he “liked me enough”, as he put it, to not just get rid of me. I had pissed him off and I was still alive. He wanted me and that made him more vulnerable than he liked. Because it did give me power. I really did not feel powerful at this moment in time, but I had to hold on to the truth, that while he wanted me, while he liked me, I held some kind of power over him. I had to find out how to use that power. 

I took a deep breath. I could not drag this out any longer. I dried myself off, somehow trying to prepare myself, for being naked in his presence, for the sexual advances and demands, for the pain, for the humiliation and abuse. I wondered if there was anything that I could do, any behaviour, anything I could say to him, that may help me. I was determined to help myself. I could not fight him by resisting him, but maybe, by accepting the situation I was in, I could somehow look past the violence and injustice and help myself, by using his feelings for me and by speaking to that vulnerable young man that was inside him, somewhere underneath that uniform and pale skin. 

I reluctantly dropped the towel and moved back into the bedroom. The General was standing at the window, his hands behind his back as so often. I watched him a moment, as he did not turn around right away. I felt the cool air touching me everywhere. How odd it felt to be naked in a room with a man who was so formally dressed. I could not remember a time even as a toddler where I was naked in front of strangers. 

He turned to look at me. His eyes travelled over me slowly. 

“How magnificent you are”, he said almost softly, “I wish you could see how we are meant to be together”, he added and to my surprise he simply turned away from me again and back to the stars. 

“I would like to”, I found myself saying back softly. He looked back at me, his eyebrows slightly raised. I steeled myself to say what I needed to say, but I could not look at him and looked down as I said, “You hurting me doesn't make it easy.”

He turned and walked towards me slowly. I could feel my breath tightening. He stopped in front of me.

“You would like to....?”, he repeated, “well, kicking and screaming at your escort to take you to me is a ...strange way of showing your...willingness.”

“I told you”, I almost whispered, my eyes still cast down before him, “It was a misunderstanding. I thought they had come to kill me.”

“To kill you?”, he frowned, “Why would you think that?”

That was a surprisingly hard question to answer. Of course I would think that when my escort is a team of storm troopers and after being held captive by the First Order and beaten and choked and raped. But I knew that was not the way to explain it to him. He would only become defensive. I was sure he did not want to be confronted with the odd nature of his courting of women. I took a deep breath while I could. 

“I was afraid. I did not trust them. I panicked.”

He didn't seem to react for a while. I looked up slowly and very carefully. He looked thoughtful. 

“That is”, he started, “..perhaps wise”, he turned his head to look at the door, “while we are here on the Finalizer... there are people here on this ship, who you can not trust.” He reached out slowly and put his right hand firmly around my upper arm. I tensed. He seemed oblivious or uncaring about that and continued, “you do not trust anyone but me.“

I nodded, thinking “to hell with that” and at the same time knowing, he was the only person here who cared about my life. His blue eyes were piercing into mine, then I saw them wonder over my silver, uncovered skin. I felt a shiver of unease come over me. I felt the urge to pull away from his grip but knew if I did I would only feel how firm his grip was. I could feel his other hand brush over my naked hip. I could see his chest rise and fall with a deeper breath. I could tell the signs of his arousal now. I wanted to run away and at the same time something in me was willing me to be stronger than that, to turn his lust for me into an advantage. I began to drop to my knees as I had before. He liked submission and being worshipped. I could do that, especially as it made me feel as though I was getting away from his intense eyes a little bit. His grip loosened, allowing me to move down.

“Lean back”, he breathed, those eyes piercing through me as he looked down at me. I kneeled back supporting myself with my hands behind me. I could feel the tenderness in my bruised ass as I sat back on my heals and I tried to embrace it. I was completely pure, innocent and unknown to any trouble before I met this man. This was the new me. I had to adapt to survive. He began to stroke himself through his black trousers, his eyes fixed on my firm silvery breasts as I put them on display for him, leaning back on my hands, looking back at him. Many things where going through my head. Things I wanted to say to him to butter him up,to make him crave the adoration he wanted from me, many things that I still could not get past my lips. I tried to say them with my eyes as I kept them fixed on his as his arousal was growing. 

“Get on my bed”, he breathed. I forced myself to crawl up on the bed, well aware he may see the marks from his punishment. I sat on the bed looking back at him again. I struggled to fight the urge to tense my body. I remembered well how it felt when he raped me and my body was not at all happy at the likely imminent repeat of that. Yet I knew if I rejected him things where going to get a lot more painful for me and not serve me in the longer term either. Was there any middle ground? Was there anything I could do that felt better than draping myself on his bed and get ready to be raped? At that thought I got back up on my feet and stepped towards him. I brought my arms up around his shoulders. I wanted to know more about who he really was. I could feel myself lightly touch the back of his neck and brought my face close to his. No one is born a rapist and mass murderer, I reminded myself and looked right into his silver eyes. He looked a little startled at my initiative. I moved my lips closer to his. I could feel them. He did not react.

“I'm sorry”, I whispered, trying to sooth him in case he was put off by me not obeying his order, “but I liked it when you kissed me. I want you to kiss me, ...please...” In surprise I realised that this was not even much of a lie. I did remember how it felt when he kissed me. It had been so confusing, because I remembered my body reacting to his. I remembered how it made me feel vulnerable and wanting. If I had to be intimate with him, I might as well try have an input to make it as comfortable as I could for myself. He brought his hands up and tightened his grip on both my wrists. He moved my hands away from him slowly but firmly and pinned them behind my back. I did not resist but felt unease in me grow. He pushed me down onto the bed again. I gasped at the force of it, my arms still pinned behind my back. He climbed on top of me. His thumb brushed over my lips slowly, then he let his hand slide down my neck, chest and stomach and then my inner thigh. I was surprised to feel a surge of anticipation in my pussy. A small gasp escaped my lips. He leaned in and began to kiss the inside of my thigh, from my knee, gradually closer to my sex. I could not help but breath faster as he did so. Oh I remembered his tongue on and in my most sensitive, most private parts and I began to stop caring that I was overcome with the need to feel that again. I might as well have a little bit of pleasure when I can I argued with my conscious and closed my eyes.

I felt his soft, warm lips touch mine down between my thighs. Ok, it was not exactly what I had meant when I told him I wanted him to kiss me but I was not going to argue about the finer details of this kiss when I felt this sudden and intense need. He kept allowing me to feel his lips on me and then moved away, making me gasp softly for more. I could hear thoughts in my head: “This is not how you feel when your rapist abuses you”, “This is not how you behave with someone who is forcing himself on you.”. And my mind would blow empty with the hot breeze of his breath on me the very next moment. He tugged at my hips and gently but with authoritatively guided my legs out of his way, letting them rest on his shoulders as he began to lightly flick his very hot, wet tongue over my sex. I gasped and closed my eyes to focus on this amazing sensation and blank out the complication as best I could. 

Then I heard his voice very quietly: “You like this...tell me how much you like it.”

“Oh”, I gasped at the challenge, my blood rushing through all of me just wanting more, “It's like I want to melt into energy.”

I felt a rush of excitement at hearing myself say this, with an odd sense of freedom at just saying the truth of how I felt in that moment. I could feel his tongue begin to lick me harder, in the depth of my folds up to that sensitive place that made my whole body twitch every time he brushed over me. I could feel my need grow in my entire body. Then he stopped. I opened my eyes at the lack of further attention and saw that he moved away from me. I felt feverish with need. 

“You do taste good”, he said kneeling back on the bed and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Then he just looked down at my naked panting body, taking in my arousal. As I noticed this I tried to focus my brain. What was the best thing to do next? How could I get him on my side? How could I make him like me even more? How could I make this as pleasurable as possible for me?

“Always thinking, even in heat”, he said. I gasped, surprised that he noticed. 

He began to unfasten his belt again. A shiver ran over me and I tensed. I saw the faintest of twitches at the side of his mouth, then he threw it to the ground and took off his jacket and shirt. 

“I just wish I could know you better”, I breathed, taking my opportunity. He began to open his trousers and motioned for me to sit up. I did as I was told. He moved his right hand to the base of my neck and pulled me towards his cock as he freed it from his clothing. 

“Right now, this is all you need to know”, he said and rather harshly directed my mouth onto his cock. I obeyed and parted my lips for him. I focused and did my best to keep my tongue and lips tight around him as he moved his cock in and out of my mouth to his liking, holding my head in place. It crossed my mind that maybe I did not have to sleep with him. Maybe this was all he wanted. Maybe I could make him come before he even thought of fucking me. I knew having actual intercourse with him again was probably ineffable in the long run if I wanted to continue being someone he liked, as supposed to someone he threw out an air lock. Yet I could not help wishing I did not have to face it right now. I did my best to please him therefore. It was hard however. I tried to listen to the way he breathed. There was little else that gave away the level of his arousal. He kept his lips tightly shut and no sound other than the occasional low grunt escaped him. I knew I was doing alright though as I could feel him harden in my mouth. He was not as vicious as last time either, fucking my mouth less harshly and deeply compared to last time and not forcing himself against my throat. However I felt a firm grip on my head, not allowing me any initiative in the matter. Apart from the environment I created inside my mouth for him, he did not allow me any input in the way he sought his pleasure from me. But I wanted to show him that it was worth trusting me and putting me in charge. I used my tongue as best I could, running it along his shaft in my mouth, causing him what I hoped was some unexpected thrilling sensations. From his sudden catch in breath I gathered that it was working. He looked down at me surprised, his breathing quickening. I gave it my all. I could feel his eyes on me. I could tell he was not going to last much longer. I could get around the actual sex, I could....his grip on the back of my neck tightened and he pulled me off him. 

“Enough”, he said, panting hard. As I looked up I saw the desire in his ice-like glare. I took a deep breath, gathering all the bravery I could find, taking a gamble, “Trust me.”

His eyes narrowed for a second and he hesitated. He clearly was unsure. Keeping my eyes on his I slowly moved my hand back to his grip on my neck. I slowly took a gentle hold of his hand and very slowly encouraged it to let go of me. He did not blink once but kept his narrowing eyes fixed down on me. He allowed me to move his hand away. I slowly moved his hand up to my mouth. I softly kissed the back of his hand and moved his index finger into my mouth, sucking it slowly and tightly between my lips and swirling my tongue around it. I forced myself to keep my eyes fixed on his. He did the same. His chest was rising under his breath hard. My brain was racing. I knew I had to come up with something more to distract him from what he was likely wanting to get on to. 

I felt shivery with tension and fear and I felt my blood pumping hard with a strange mixture of arousal and need to fight for some level of control. My brain was racing trying frantically to come up with something. Then I heard a funny beeping sound. It repeated. I stopped, seeing the General's face twist. He moved away from me and off the bed. Cursing under his breath he pulled his shirt and jacket back on. He tucked himself in, clearly uncomfortably so and grabbed his belt from the floor. I watched him, confused. What did this beeping sound mean? Was this some kind of alarm? I felt unease run through me. 

He gave me a nasty look, as though he was making me responsible for the fact we were interrupted. 

“Do not move”, he growled and hastily left the room.


	19. Appreciation, Love, Submission, Whatever....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the big gaps in updating. But hey here is another chapter, a steamy one too. Call it Stockholm syndrome....call it hot General Hux love... All I know that about 3 gin & tonics may have been consumed during this chapter, I hope the sentence structure isn't too mad. English is not my first language...but that is no excuse really. My dyslexia is more of an issue. ;) Anyhow, enjoy!

I sat back on the bed, very still for a minute. Without really noticing I took his order to heart and did not move. I was waiting...listening. I was waiting for him to come back any second. I was listening for anything unusual. He was clearly called back to duty. Was there a problem? Some kind of threat? I looked to the window, there was nothing but space outside. I listened again. Nothing. It was silent. I was alone, naked on the General's bed, told to not move. I reasoned it was okay for me to sit back. I did so, hugging my thighs. I took a deep breath. Well at least it looked like I escaped the next steps of this sexual abuse for now. That could only be a good thing. I noticed suddenly how severely hungry I was. Of course I was hungry. I had not eaten since I arrived here. When ever that was. Was he even thinking of feeding me? I continued to wait, making plans to ask him for food when he came back. 

Noticing my back aching and tiredness starting to overwhelm me, I lay back and pulled the blanket over me. This was a damn comfortable bed when one was allowed to lie in it. A wave of worry ran through me, would he disapprove of me getting comfortable in his bed like this? He told me not to move. But did he mean literally don't move or did he just mean “stay naked in my bed?” My brain got foggy with exhaustion and hunger. I began to drift in and out of consciousness. My eyes fixed at the stars outside the window I was pulled into sleep. A dream of tumbling through space engulfed me. I felt out of control, turning in space, unable to feel gravity, unable to understand where my ground was. I felt a little dizzy and threatened by the vast noting. I had the sense of someone watching me. Someone who was not tumbling, a still, uniformed figure. I tried to focus on it, as it seemed to have gravity, could help me orient myself, but the image kept flickering away, replaced by space and stars that made me feel more dizzy. Finally I gained a sense of heaviness, able to feel the soft silky sheets around me and the comfortable mattress holding me securely to the gravity of the ship. 

I realised I was awake again, my face still directed at the window, but it was blacked out mostly by a dark figure. I blinked to see what it was. It was the General, motionless, standing in the window, seemingly watching the dark outside. I narrowed my eyes to see clearer, waking further. He had come back and I was asleep. Was he angry? Was it okay? Did he want sex now? Had something happened while he was away and I was asleep? He was so still and turned away from me, it was so hard to read him at the best of times. Checking in with myself I realised that he had come back and let me sleep. He did not wake me, he did not move me. And if he had done anything to me in my sleep I would have woken up. So that was interesting. Was he not tired? I watched him a little longer, wondering about him, standing so still, so upright. Did he never get tired? Did he not allow himself to be? I sat up slowly, realising I was still naked. I held the sheet to my chest to cover me. I stood up slowly. He probably could hear me move, but he did not react. I walked over to him slowly, taking the sheet with me to wrap myself into. I paused a few steps behind him, he still did not react. I wondered what to do for a moment, then I decided to sink to the floor. Wrapped in the bed sheet I leaned against the lower window frame beside him. I looked at his polished boots in front of me. Despite the sheet I felt so naked, noticing my naked foot near his boot. I looked up carefully. I was now able to see little of his pale face. There was no emotion I could recognise. His face was still and set. I started to wonder if he was going to continue ignoring me, when we spoke. He didn't look down at me when he said: “I watched you.... you were asleep.”

“I'm sorry. I got so tired”, I said carefully, then added even more carefully, “...and hungry.”

He shifted slightly, but kept his eyes fixed at the stars.  
“You looked so....”, he didn't finish his sentence, then he said, “I did not want to wake you.”

I asked quietly and carefully: “Why were you called away? ...You were..called to work, ...right?”

Now he turned his head and looked down at me, frowning disapprovingly. I blinked and tried to defuse the situation before it became one: “Is everything alright? I was worried.”

His eyes narrowed, then his expression softened somewhat and he looked out the window again:   
“Don't you worry”, he lifted his chin with a hint of arrogance, “I keep you save.” 

He could not see my little, somewhat sarcastic smile. 'Bless him', I thought, 'he is keeping me save, that is touching.' It made me wonder what he thought he was keeping me save from, when he was planning to rape me. I looked at his profile in the dim light carefully, and my curiosity grew, yeah...how could he see it this way, ...that he was my protector? My pale abuser....how strange it had to be, to see the world through his eyes. Did he really see himself as the good guy? What world did he grow up in, to be able to think of himself as the good guy. I took a slow deep breath, noticing my curiosity about him. It crossed my mind that perhaps it was time I reached out to him in some way. I knew for a while now, that in order to use his feelings for me, for myself to gain power, in order to gain any power, I had to reach out to him, I had to give him at least a little bit of what he wanted. He hated to be rejected, forcing his way on me was not what he wanted. I felt my power as I watched him and felt that in some ways I could see right through him. I had that advantage. He had spent days, at the very beginning, just beating me, trying to break me enough, make me fear him enough, so that I would learn to fear, adore and obey him. I was not sure how much that had worked. Probably not as much as he had hoped, to my luck. I may have found myself naked at his heel, but he had not broken me. I was holding power over him, I knew it. I just had to learn how to use it. And my gut was telling me for a while now I had to give him what he wanted. I had to make him trust me. I had tried half-heartedly. I had to do better. Yet a big part of me wanted to remain silent, passive, avoid his attention as much as possible. Such a big part of me wanted to just stay still were I was and wait for his next move, hoping he would just leave me alone. This part of me just wanted me to wait and deal with the problems when they happened. And yet I knew, that was just not good enough. 

I looked at him again, I knew why I had toyed with him during my performance when I first saw him. He was a young handsome man. And as much as his uniform terrified me, I could not help thinking that he must hold a special power, being so young and such a high ranking soldier. He stood out on that Starkiller Base. It was his weapon. Yes okay, so maybe my young, stupid, innocent heart thought, that powerful, young man, with the sharp bone structure was dangerous and hot. I remembered who I was then, oh so different. And yet....and yet, some things did not change, maybe I just had to find myself again. I got a kick out of playing with fire then. In truth, while I felt save up in the air as an untouchable performer, I knew I could not possibly be save on that base. I must have known. Perhaps I got what I wanted. I took another sharp breath in and then asked carefully:

“Do you never get tired?” 

He looked down at me slowly and said coldly “Being tired is for old men on their death beds.” I blinked to defuse his cold stare at me. I nearly missed the tug of a smile at the corner of his mouth, “well....”, he added, looking at the window again, “and women who look so beautiful when they sleep.” 

I took a slow breath at this almost warm-hearted compliment. I braced myself a minute, then I slowly stood up to stand beside him, holding the sheet to my chest. He turned his face to me slowly. I bit my lip to numb the part of me that made my heart hammer in my chest with fear and I leaned in very slowly, bringing my lips close to his pale cheek. He didn't move. I was so close, I could smell him. I was so close. I lifted my head slightly and my lips made contact with his cheek. I placed a very faint kiss there. I could feel my naked arm, brushing against the thick, stiff fabric of his uniform on his arm. He remained still. I turned my head slightly and placed another slow kiss to his neck, just above the collar of his uniform. I felt a little sick and my heart was hammering. I could see his chest rise with a deeper inhale, but he did not move, did not react. I exhaled, my hot breath against his neck. I was struggling now. I didn't know what to do next or if I should stop. Maybe this was enough. Yes, maybe this was good enough. Just a little sign....of ...appreciation, love... submission...whatever. I could feel myself begin to shiver a little with tension and fear. I could not bear his passiveness. Why was he not reacting? Why was he not pushing me into the wall and having his way with me? Why was he not choking me and hitting me for doing the wrong thing? 

I caught my breath as I suddenly felt his cold hand cupping my breast and brushing his thump over my nibble. I had been in such an inner panic that I had not noticed his arm moving towards me and under the sheet that was still covering me. While his hand felt cold and a little shocking to my system at first I quickly welcomed the cooling sensation. I had not noticed how hot I was feeling. I stepped back a little, leaning into the frame of the window. Gathering all my courage, I dropped the sheet, giving his icy glare everything. I secretly cursed myself for shivering as badly as I did now. He looked me over slowly and thoroughly. I could not hide my shivering. I tried to look back at him as much as possible, but I had to lower my gaze again and again in order to be able to breath. 

“Look at you”, he said quietly, “shivery, little silver girl. I have seen enemies of the First Order before me....after we captured them, ..looking the way you do right now. Why would that be?”

I exhaled in desperate frustration. Here I was trying so hard to make him believe I wanted him, and he was suspicious ...again. I tried to listen into myself hard and I forced myself to look up in his eyes, throwing caution to the wind: “Because you like that in a woman.... General?” I tried hard to keep my teeth from chattering. He slapped my face so fast I did not see it coming. I gasped in surprise but noticed he had not hit me as hard as he usually did. When I focused back on him I saw a strange tug of a smile on the edge of his mouth again. 

“Cheek”, he said raising an eyebrow, “That's a new side of you”, he shook his head playfully disapproving, “ I only get that from the odd rebel scum.” He stepped into me slowly pinning my naked body between him and the window frame. I could feel his hot breath on my chest, with his face close to me.

“Usually that is the last thing they do before I order their execution”, he said so quietly and so close, it made a high sound escape my throat. I couldn't cope. I closed my eyes. 

“I'm...sss..”, I breathed but he put his hand rather gently over my mouth. I opened my eyes and looked into his eyes so close, looking into mine. I felt close to passing out. He moved his hand slowly, just looking at me. Then he moved in slowly. I felt his hand, not as cold as a moment ago, softly at the back of my neck. His lips where close to mine, I thought he was going to kiss me, but he paused, millimetres away from me. I took a deeper, shivery breath and moved my lips against his. Oh I remembered the feeling. It was nice...electric, sending heat right between my thighs and making my legs shiver even harder. I could barely keep standing. I felt his other hand on my naked hip, pushing me back into the wall. His body followed, leaning in on me. As though on their own accords our lips parted and our hot wet tongues met once again and like for the first time. I could feel his breath speeding up hard in that tight jacket against my naked chest and his grip on my hip and neck got firmer. He leaned into me harder. I could feel the bulge in his trousers push against me then. It made me gasp into his mouth.

“Are you going to make love to me, General?”, I cried, half panicking with terrible fear, half giving in to that thrilling feeling of need that was undoubtedly growing between my things. He paused and looked at me, his hand stroking the back of my neck, ever so often pulling my hair gently.

“Make love?”, he frowned.

I forced myself to look at him: “I know you can. I'm not your enemy. I'm not rebel scum. I want you to love me and I'm scared.” He looked lost for words, perhaps even startled. Was he going to get suspicious again? I desperately took his hand from my hip and moved it to my sex. I took a deep breath, steeling myself, and placed his hand on my swollen sex. I spread my legs a little and moved his hand a little further, pushing his middle finger between my folds. I exhaled at the sensation. 

“I'm all wet for you, General. ...And I'm scared”, I whispered. He looked at me, I could not hold his eye contact and looked away. He started moving his hand on me, lightly, slowly, with just the right pressure to really make me feel my need. I whimpered with the intensity of sensation and my knees went soft. I felt just as intense shame wash over me. I was so bad...so bad, to react like this to him. Yes, yes I had a plan, but melting with bliss and need in the General's hand was not part of it...even if it made things somewhat easier...somewhat....really pleasurable. And I knew that really, I was only able to gather this much courage to do this, because I knew I could feel good in this. I had felt it before. It did not make sense at all, but it was so. I could feel my juice spreading all over his hand as he kept rubbing my sex in this agonising way, his other hand tugging at my hair and the back of my head and his mouth moving back on mine, kissing me deeper, making me wish his fingers were invading me as deeply, but he left me wanting more all the time. And then I felt him slip two fingers inside me, stretching my needy inner walls a little. I cried into his mouth and struggled to not let my knees buckle. Just as I thought I was able to stabilise myself he slipped another finger in, stretching me harder, sending shivering shock waves through me. I gasped and cried with bliss. He started to fuck me harder with his fingers, his palm hitting my sweet spot. I desperately pulled my arms around his shoulders to hold onto him, unable to stand on my own. My brain had long turned to mash. Only a few more of those thrusts and I would just come, right in his hand. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against his shoulder ,whimpering, about to give it all up for him and his amazing hand, but he stopped. I panted, crying out with frustration as he removed his hand from me. 

“No”, he whispered, “You come when I say you come.” I hardly could make sense of his words in my foggy brain. He grabbed my thighs and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around him and he carried me to the bed. He lay me down and looked at me as he slowly removed his belt and jacket. I was taken over with need, opening my thighs for him. I felt the cool air on my hot sex and I so did not care in that moment, to be this exposed to him. He moved on top of me, the cool metal of his dog tags brushed over my stomach and my chest. He moved between my thighs and I could hear him open his trousers. A shiver of fear rushed through me. He must have felt me tense, as he looked up at me and said: “You are afraid.”

I took a deep breath: “Yes. I know you can hurt me. But I want you to make love to me. And I know you can. You can make a woman feel good.” He moved himself closer and I could feel him move the tip of his cock along my wet, aching sex. I blinked at him, aware that his eyes where right on mine. 

“You like that?”, he asked. Yes.... yes I did. There was no denying it and the shame was bad. And it felt so good...I could not help but open my legs wider, inviting him in. He took the invitation and moved himself further on top of me, pushing into my sex, stretching me so much more than his fingers had done. I gasped with adrenaline rushing through my entire body. I could feel all his attention on me and reacting to me. He did not push himself all the way in, just a little bit, just as much as I could handle, then he started fucking me slowly, gradually moving himself deeper inside me, but taking his time, never going further than was pleasurable. Sometimes I gasped with the surprise of a deeper thrust but it did not hurt and he eased off, going easier before pushing deeper again. I could not believe the careful attention he was giving me, the understanding he had of my body. I closed my eyes allowing myself to trust him and to just feel his attention. I could feel the electricity inside me building, my breath hardening. I bit my finger in anticipation. Then he stilled inside me. I opened my eyes with fear of what was wrong now. 

“You want to come?”, he breathed, his eyes piercing into mine. I nodded and breathed: “Yes please!” He searched my eyes for a moment and nodded: “Keep your eyes on me. I want you to look at me.” I nodded and gasped as he re-assumed his attention to me. My breath hardened and I was panting. He moved his lips to my ear and whispered: “You may come for me, my cheeky, sliver girl.” I could not help but give it up to him that very moment. I cried hard, releasing all that tension I had been holding in my body and feeling my inner walls gripping his cock hard. He gasped at that. I tried hard to keep my eyes on him as instructed. I felt myself blushing hard. I could see the cold glitter in his eyes. He began to move between my spasming walls again. His breathing got faster as he started moving faster. I could tell he was restraining himself now. His face tightened and he was not looking at me anymore. I tried to relax at this shift, hoping it would not take too long as I could feel my walls getting soar quickly at the less gentle treatment. He could perhaps feel me tensing, as he pulled out of me with a squirm of frustration. He stared down at me, putting his hand around his cock, pumping hard. His breath quickened fast and he came with a tight breath, shooting his seed over my thigh and swollen hot pussy. He remained still, panting a moment, stroking himself slower. He looked down at me with a look I could not read. I stayed very still. Then he pushed himself off the bed and vanished in the bathroom, closing the door. I stayed very still a moment, feeling very confused, and feeling weirdly selfish and guilty.


End file.
